I feel like the whole day all I've been trying to do is find a song to help me get going.
See I have this tendency to rely on music to get me moving. Literally. When I wake up, the first thing I do is head straight to my iTunes to put something on and I leave it on till I'm done getting ready. Then when I head out the door, the mixtape continues as I grab my iPod and start listening to each track till I get to my destination. Now this internal playlist of mine continues to throughout the day never really allowing my ears to stop playing my own music until I hit places where I don't need it. For instance, I figure the only time I'm really not listening to music are in situations where I'm doing something with either music already playing or when I'm interacting with other folks and all I wanna do is listen to them. But other than those moments I somehow always have a soundtrack playing throughout my day, which is something I've become accustomed to. It's my habit where I imagine every action I make on a daily is parallel to a beat. As if the soundwaves from my headphones evoke my every movement so effortlessly.
So when I can't find a song to help me get through a day... that's when you know I haven't done shit. (It's like I'm a fkn robot! haha) Today I'm having one of those moments where I can't choose a song or even a beat my ears are satisfied with. Nothing I've heard today has provoked any kind of movement. It's been a stale Monday and the only thing I've heard are show tunes from everything on my tube. As a result - I've wasted today as a couch potato.
I guess I need new music.
Monday, August 30, 2010
You only want me cause I don't want you back
I was diggin' this video until the dude on the toilet stood up and walked straight outta the door WITHOUT washing his hands. *cringe* haha
Friday, August 27, 2010
Note to Self #4: Life be beauts
Life IS beautiful. Just gotta be mindful to keep balance. Keep the good folks, good vibes and good music in your presence and it’ll stay beautiful.
(via fckminetoo)
Playback: April 21, 2010
Where I was 4 months ago...
I’d like to think I’m getting used to living back in here.
I mean I’m not crying anymore wishing I were somewhere else and each day I’m learning how to deal with my inevitable situation. Plus it’s almost been a month and amidst the month I’ve been here, I think I’ve become a little stronger? I classify dry cheeks as a good indication that I’m getting by.
But still there are some moments where I’ll slip, I’ll get weak and long for San Francisco again. I’ll wake up one morning and forget I’m in SJ. My mind will go on this mad trip wanting to believe I’m just dreaming.
Though eventually reality quickly hits as I glance out my window for a second. There I see nothing but bushes, flowers, and an empty sidewalk corroding my vision. Instead of feeling peaceful among this image, I’m instead thrown back into withdrawal – me wanting to be back in the city.
I’ve had mornings like this. But this morning was slightly different.
I woke up feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I woke up with the intention of leaving SJ, whether momentarily or permanently, my heart felt like leaving. And for no other reason than to just be in the presence of the city, my body wanted to relocate itself for that moment. I had this sudden urge to hear the city traffic, to feel the wind in my face, to feel the rush on the streets. My state of withdrawal was deep. All my senses were reflective of a bad case of nostalgia. My nose could smell the streets, my eyes could see the MUNI, and my body could feel the fog.
Physically I was in SJ, mentally I was in the city. I couldn’t connect the two as if at this moment I didn’t want to. As if my heart made a decision to stay this way and will continue to feel this way until I’m back.
It’s a bittersweet feeling, really. But more so a vicious cycle I’m stuck in.
---
04-21-10
I’d like to think I’m getting used to living back in here.
I mean I’m not crying anymore wishing I were somewhere else and each day I’m learning how to deal with my inevitable situation. Plus it’s almost been a month and amidst the month I’ve been here, I think I’ve become a little stronger? I classify dry cheeks as a good indication that I’m getting by.
But still there are some moments where I’ll slip, I’ll get weak and long for San Francisco again. I’ll wake up one morning and forget I’m in SJ. My mind will go on this mad trip wanting to believe I’m just dreaming.
Though eventually reality quickly hits as I glance out my window for a second. There I see nothing but bushes, flowers, and an empty sidewalk corroding my vision. Instead of feeling peaceful among this image, I’m instead thrown back into withdrawal – me wanting to be back in the city.
I’ve had mornings like this. But this morning was slightly different.
I woke up feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I woke up with the intention of leaving SJ, whether momentarily or permanently, my heart felt like leaving. And for no other reason than to just be in the presence of the city, my body wanted to relocate itself for that moment. I had this sudden urge to hear the city traffic, to feel the wind in my face, to feel the rush on the streets. My state of withdrawal was deep. All my senses were reflective of a bad case of nostalgia. My nose could smell the streets, my eyes could see the MUNI, and my body could feel the fog.
Physically I was in SJ, mentally I was in the city. I couldn’t connect the two as if at this moment I didn’t want to. As if my heart made a decision to stay this way and will continue to feel this way until I’m back.
It’s a bittersweet feeling, really. But more so a vicious cycle I’m stuck in.
---
04-21-10
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Lose in love, we lost some
Yesterday the folks at okayplayer released Carlitta Durand's first solo music video for her track titled "Lost Love" feat. Jabee from The Doug & Patty EP; a project that originally dropped last year. Watch the vid below:
I've had this project since it first came out and it's never really stopped rotating for me. Ever since I first downloaded it I've been giving it some heavy love. So if you haven't already cop the EP, do so here. If you grew up in the 90s like myself, I'm sure you'd appreciate this take on the Doug Funny & Patty Mayonnaise's love story. Enjoy.
Carlitta Durand - Lost love feat. Jabee from BECAUSEUS on Vimeo.
I've had this project since it first came out and it's never really stopped rotating for me. Ever since I first downloaded it I've been giving it some heavy love. So if you haven't already cop the EP, do so here. If you grew up in the 90s like myself, I'm sure you'd appreciate this take on the Doug Funny & Patty Mayonnaise's love story. Enjoy.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Thursday, August 19, 2010
RE: Strangers (II)
I'm hungry for some real human connection.
For speech with real substance, where a conversation doesn't always have to lead with what happened last night or what drama started this morning. I'm feenin' for some straight verbal exchange provoking thoughts we've never come across and thoughts we never thought of without this encounter. I want to talk news. I want to talk literature. I want to talk music. I want to talk about life. I want hear to hear your story. I want to hear you. Educate me on your views. Allow me to see the other side. Enrich my being. But do so in away without the necessity of mentioning bullshit actions or our faulty past to engage me.
I want a real connection between you and I...
where our exchange can trigger a trend of words and lines of emotions fueling a dialogue that'll challenge me, but leave me inspired and motivated. Where we speak with honest tones and create a dialogue beyond fear, worry and hesitation. Where it's simply only our minds doing the talking.
For speech with real substance, where a conversation doesn't always have to lead with what happened last night or what drama started this morning. I'm feenin' for some straight verbal exchange provoking thoughts we've never come across and thoughts we never thought of without this encounter. I want to talk news. I want to talk literature. I want to talk music. I want to talk about life. I want hear to hear your story. I want to hear you. Educate me on your views. Allow me to see the other side. Enrich my being. But do so in away without the necessity of mentioning bullshit actions or our faulty past to engage me.
I want a real connection between you and I...
where our exchange can trigger a trend of words and lines of emotions fueling a dialogue that'll challenge me, but leave me inspired and motivated. Where we speak with honest tones and create a dialogue beyond fear, worry and hesitation. Where it's simply only our minds doing the talking.
Lazy no more, DFF is due for a facelift!
I realize I haven't written anything here in a fat minute. Everything I've posted within the past few months have been past poetry, music, and pictures - anything and everything to depict my life in any way other than an actual update in written form. While I love doing all of that I don't think it's fulfilling enough. I mean at least for a writer it isn't.
So today I promise myself I'll use this blog more wisely, more efficiently and actually input some substance on here. Maybe I'll start talking about my future projects, collaborations, ideas? Who knows? But I know that somehow I gotta transform DFF into a "portfolio" or some kind of reference cause I'm sure with what I wanna do in the future, if I give DFF a facelift now it'll help me in the long run.
Riiiight?
So today I promise myself I'll use this blog more wisely, more efficiently and actually input some substance on here. Maybe I'll start talking about my future projects, collaborations, ideas? Who knows? But I know that somehow I gotta transform DFF into a "portfolio" or some kind of reference cause I'm sure with what I wanna do in the future, if I give DFF a facelift now it'll help me in the long run.
Riiiight?
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Monday & Tuesday
My yesterday...
consisted of a 6-7hr skype hang out sesh with my Gem counterpart. While we probably could've been doing something with the outside world, we instead chose to reminisce about past crushes, past haircuts, past drunken nights, past relationships via photo albums on FB. With every photo we sent each other, we spilled a bucket of nostalgia (and sometimes metaphoric yack) all over our laptops. From "regrets" to bearded women to dudes we probably shouldn't have (...) we were reminiscing about the times that made us who we are today and laughing about it.On top of that we ate dinner together (we're nerds, I know. And I'm sure if you're following either one of us on Twitter, you saw it all happen in real time) and caught up on the present.
So you see? This is what happens when one of your good friends is thrown back to Los Angeles and is nowhere near you - you end up working with what you got to make the distance feel non-existent. And I know even though y'all are probably are thinking we just "wasted" our day leaving our laptops on - we really didn't. I wouldn't trade in yesterday for a night out at all cause for once life actually felt like it never changed - it actually felt easy again.
But today is a different story...
Today's gonna look the opposite cause the theme for Tuesday is... PRODUCTIVITY!
consisted of a 6-7hr skype hang out sesh with my Gem counterpart. While we probably could've been doing something with the outside world, we instead chose to reminisce about past crushes, past haircuts, past drunken nights, past relationships via photo albums on FB. With every photo we sent each other, we spilled a bucket of nostalgia (and sometimes metaphoric yack) all over our laptops. From "regrets" to bearded women to dudes we probably shouldn't have (...) we were reminiscing about the times that made us who we are today and laughing about it.On top of that we ate dinner together (we're nerds, I know. And I'm sure if you're following either one of us on Twitter, you saw it all happen in real time) and caught up on the present.
So you see? This is what happens when one of your good friends is thrown back to Los Angeles and is nowhere near you - you end up working with what you got to make the distance feel non-existent. And I know even though y'all are probably are thinking we just "wasted" our day leaving our laptops on - we really didn't. I wouldn't trade in yesterday for a night out at all cause for once life actually felt like it never changed - it actually felt easy again.
But today is a different story...
Today's gonna look the opposite cause the theme for Tuesday is... PRODUCTIVITY!
Friday, August 13, 2010
I'd like to introduce you to...
My new roommate, Mikka :)
(Doesn't she look like she's smiling?!)
When my bro came home from work on Wednesday, he spontaneously brought home this 3-year old "corgimo" (a mix breed of corgi & eskimo). Cute eh? She's such an attention whore and such a huge diva though, haha. All the qualities I've never witnessed in my past pets. Most of them were pretty chill and independent. But this one? She is HELLA hyper. When I mean "hyper" I mean bouncing-off-the-walls-barking-like-crazy-chasing-her-own-tail-type-of-hyper. She barely sits still.
And if this dog knows you're not looking at her she'll do something so that you'll notice her. Last night I found her chewing on the couch just cause I was too busy reading "Eat Pray Love." She began growling once I dropped her tennis ball and picked up my book. I assume if it deters away from playing with her, she goes on a rage. So you can probably see how irritated I was when I first met her. I cherish my solitude, which is exactly what this dog hates. She hates being alone. It's only been two days and I've realized quickly that this dog can't eat, drink or sleep without someone next to her. When I'm in the bathroom she cries as if I'm never gonna come out. All this aforementioned behavior makes me believe that it probably stems from her previous owner who may have neglected her from time to time? I really don't know. Whatever the case is though Mikka's clingy.
However, I kinda don't mind that she is. Her clinginess has been keeping me balanced... to an extent. She never leaves my side and she always keeps me entertained. In addition, she's like my alarm clock, haha. Mikka makes sure I'm always awake at 8am every morning and makes it a habit that I jog with her twice a day. So if anything this dog is not only a pain in the ass, but she's serving to be a good influence on my health, haha. See? Balance.
I'm so attached already!
(Doesn't she look like she's smiling?!)
When my bro came home from work on Wednesday, he spontaneously brought home this 3-year old "corgimo" (a mix breed of corgi & eskimo). Cute eh? She's such an attention whore and such a huge diva though, haha. All the qualities I've never witnessed in my past pets. Most of them were pretty chill and independent. But this one? She is HELLA hyper. When I mean "hyper" I mean bouncing-off-the-walls-barking-like-crazy-chasing-her-own-tail-type-of-hyper. She barely sits still.
And if this dog knows you're not looking at her she'll do something so that you'll notice her. Last night I found her chewing on the couch just cause I was too busy reading "Eat Pray Love." She began growling once I dropped her tennis ball and picked up my book. I assume if it deters away from playing with her, she goes on a rage. So you can probably see how irritated I was when I first met her. I cherish my solitude, which is exactly what this dog hates. She hates being alone. It's only been two days and I've realized quickly that this dog can't eat, drink or sleep without someone next to her. When I'm in the bathroom she cries as if I'm never gonna come out. All this aforementioned behavior makes me believe that it probably stems from her previous owner who may have neglected her from time to time? I really don't know. Whatever the case is though Mikka's clingy.
However, I kinda don't mind that she is. Her clinginess has been keeping me balanced... to an extent. She never leaves my side and she always keeps me entertained. In addition, she's like my alarm clock, haha. Mikka makes sure I'm always awake at 8am every morning and makes it a habit that I jog with her twice a day. So if anything this dog is not only a pain in the ass, but she's serving to be a good influence on my health, haha. See? Balance.
I'm so attached already!
My summer diet in SJ
I can't stop going to Japantown for shaved ice (with ice cream in the middle!).
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Taboo
After speaking with a good friend of mine over some tea, I'm convinced that I need to be more honest with not only the situations surrounding me, but be more honest with myself as well. I need to express myself the way I've always wanted to. I need to face the inevitable issues I choose to ignore and confront my demons. I need to fully communicate my mind and tell my heart to let go.
Good morning
Disrupted sleep. That's currently my situation.
Slept around 3am and I wasn't planning on starting my day till around 10am. But here it is 4 hours later and I'm wide awake. My mind feels heavy and my stomach is fckn growling. It's pleading for some attention. Some food to mouth action. Some fckn carbs. All my mind is telling me to do right now is eat a huge ass breakfast. Pancakes, some butter and toast, some OJ, cereal on the side and maybe some hash browns. I want allathat and s'more on a muthafuggin' ihop menu.
This is what happens when you sleep with an empty stomach, you wake up in mid-dream with fatty cravings.
Slept around 3am and I wasn't planning on starting my day till around 10am. But here it is 4 hours later and I'm wide awake. My mind feels heavy and my stomach is fckn growling. It's pleading for some attention. Some food to mouth action. Some fckn carbs. All my mind is telling me to do right now is eat a huge ass breakfast. Pancakes, some butter and toast, some OJ, cereal on the side and maybe some hash browns. I want allathat and s'more on a muthafuggin' ihop menu.
This is what happens when you sleep with an empty stomach, you wake up in mid-dream with fatty cravings.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Talib Kweli - "Stand to the Side"
I wanna write away
I wanna write here
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Write dreams and nightmares
Might scare the folks stuck in the day
But nothing to say,
Well I'm way ahead by light years
So beware we keep the lights on
I wanna write the songs from right to wrong
Right on
Riding the light so you see in the dark
So deep you gotta be still like your beating heart
My words apply the pressure to make the bleeding stop
See the art, living right, eating smart
I wanna right to life, a right to death
Police read your rights from right to left
But I never write to remain silent
I fight through police line
Cops walk the beat that I write to
I teach minds, write rhymes with the right sound
Right now, journalists write up
I write down
I wanna write away
I wanna write here
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Write dreams and nightmares
Might scare the folks stuck in the day
But nothing to say,
Well I'm way ahead by light years
So beware we keep the lights on
I wanna write the songs from right to wrong
Right on
Riding the light so you see in the dark
So deep you gotta be still like your beating heart
My words apply the pressure to make the bleeding stop
See the art, living right, eating smart
I wanna right to life, a right to death
Police read your rights from right to left
But I never write to remain silent
I fight through police line
Cops walk the beat that I write to
I teach minds, write rhymes with the right sound
Right now, journalists write up
I write down
ADD writing disease
I'm going through this weird feeling right now where I feel like my head is about to explode. My thoughts are racing in between different ideas all while my fingertips are trying to keep up. It's as if I have a million things I want to write about but I don't know where to start first.
Sometimes I'll start on one subject, write a few then I digress. I go off on this tangent and I write about something else. Then that something else will trigger another thought which will trigger another a few sentences later. Next thing you know I've started 3-4 drafts of all the ideas I had in my head, but with nothing to show for because none of them have fully developed into a clear thought or concept.
This shit happens to me a lot.
As a result I'm thinking I might have a slight case of ADD when I write... or maybe I just get too excited when I write? Either way I need to calm the fck down and just DO IT.
Sometimes I'll start on one subject, write a few then I digress. I go off on this tangent and I write about something else. Then that something else will trigger another thought which will trigger another a few sentences later. Next thing you know I've started 3-4 drafts of all the ideas I had in my head, but with nothing to show for because none of them have fully developed into a clear thought or concept.
This shit happens to me a lot.
As a result I'm thinking I might have a slight case of ADD when I write... or maybe I just get too excited when I write? Either way I need to calm the fck down and just DO IT.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Begin
Fate can only get you to where you're bound to be. Once you're there it's up to you to make it all happen.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
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