Throwback Thursday(s): Chief Rocka

But they don't understand how I feel bout the funk. I walk with the funk. I talk with the funk. I eat with the funk. I sleep with the funk. I live for the funk. I die for the funk.

Playback: April 21, 2010

Where I was 4 months ago...



I’d like to think I’m getting used to living back in here.

I mean I’m not crying anymore wishing I were somewhere else and each day I’m learning how to deal with my inevitable situation. Plus it’s almost been a month and amidst the month I’ve been here, I think I’ve become a little stronger? I classify dry cheeks as a good indication that I’m getting by.

But still there are some moments where I’ll slip, I’ll get weak and long for San Francisco again. I’ll wake up one morning and forget I’m in SJ. My mind will go on this mad trip wanting to believe I’m just dreaming.

Though eventually reality quickly hits as I glance out my window for a second. There I see nothing but bushes, flowers, and an empty sidewalk corroding my vision. Instead of feeling peaceful among this image, I’m instead thrown back into withdrawal – me wanting to be back in the city.

I’ve had mornings like this. But this morning was slightly different.

I woke up feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I woke up with the intention of leaving SJ, whether momentarily or permanently, my heart felt like leaving. And for no other reason than to just be in the presence of the city, my body wanted to relocate itself for that moment. I had this sudden urge to hear the city traffic, to feel the wind in my face, to feel the rush on the streets. My state of withdrawal was deep. All my senses were reflective of a bad case of nostalgia. My nose could smell the streets, my eyes could see the MUNI, and my body could feel the fog.

Physically I was in SJ, mentally I was in the city. I couldn’t connect the two as if at this moment I didn’t want to. As if my heart made a decision to stay this way and will continue to feel this way until I’m back.

It’s a bittersweet feeling, really. But more so a vicious cycle I’m stuck in.
---
04-21-10

#nowplaying: Kings of Convenience - "Love is no big truth"

Fresh meat: 2005

I was looking through my photobucket albums and this is what I found:



It's a picture of Kim and I in our old dorm room, Hayes-Healy #603. This was our first week in college. Look how precious we were. mwahahaha.

sidenote: I have no idea what we're doing in the picture. Exercising maybe? Stretching? Dancing?

One of my freewrites that I found written on July 4, 2006

Often times we get distracted by the unnecessary, the irrelevant - things that shouldn't matter. And we never pay attention to what's right in front of us. The goodness that's just right underneath our noses. The person in front of us. The opportunity that awaits us. The obvious. Instead, we always say we want the easy way out when we always make things complicated. It's a fucking cycle. We keep searching around for what we think we want but when we get it, we think we need more. We need substance. We need reassurance. We want more excitement. We want something new. We're never satisfied. We look around for what we want, when what we want is right in our faces. And when we realize it, it's too late. Opportunities are wasted. People are gone. What could have been turns into never happening. Then what if's turn into regrets. And we're back on that cycle again, hoping to find the obvious. The easy way out. The answer we want. When in reality, we missed it because we cared too much. Or we didn't care enough when the time was right.

Clockworks - throwback

I was looking through my old notebooks and my old blogposts and I came across this piece I wrote about time. If you read my previous post, you'd realize I've been battling my "time with my freemind" lately so it was fitting to come across this post I'm about to share with you.

I wrote the following piece at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was probably my first week back at USF chillin' in my Phelan dorm room with Lib. We were both super hardcore Greys Anatomy fans way back when the shows were still on Sundays (ha! see how OG i was?) and I was so into the show that almost every monologue they recited, I wrote down or looked up after the episode. I was THAT faithful to the show (and kinda still wish I were). Anyway to my point... I can't remember exactly what happened in this episode that I watched, but all I can remember is that this was a season premiere episode where Meredith ends the scene with a monologue talking about the daily affect Time can have on us. She said:

Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time.
Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go.
Time.

- Grey's Anatomy

And this is what I wrote immediately after hearing it.

(*FYI-sidenote: The following is probably one of my most favorite pieces I've EVER written. Can someone please inspire me to write this way again? I miss free-flowing words.)

I know most of us, if not all of us know that they can relate to this monologue. Folks have been telling me since I got back to the city that they wish they could turn back time. Others have been telling me that they wish they could instead speed up time. And as for myself, all I wish is to freeze time. Truly, I think we've all come to a point in our lives where timing means everything. There are moments in our lives we wish to relive, people we wish we still had in our lives, and changes that we wish never changed those moments. So we blame time. We blame time and say we want it to speed up. We want to get over it. As if time wasn't on our side. We blame time for all the wrong reasons. When all we want is that self reassurance that everything will get better so we wish that time never existed. We begin to wish specific moments or specific people in our lives didn't affect the being we've become today. It's as if we often find ourselves at a stand-still when times get rough. We wish times were better, never wanting to face what's in front of us. Leaving us to look in the past for comfort never wanting to distance ourselves away from the familiar. Never allowing ourselves to move forward towards the future. So we stay still. Never wanting anything to harm us, touch us, or affect us. Leaving us to hold onto what's comfortable and blaming what's not.

I admit it, I'm learning. I'm learning the hard way that with all the time in the world, there's only one thing I can do for myself and that is to accept the changes that are taking place. I have to live my life regardless of those times I wish never happened and live off of those that did. I have to let go. Because with all the time in the world there's no time for that. We just gotta live, adapt, and cherish what time we do have.

- "Clockworks," September 24, 2006

Now imagine me re-reading this now... it's like my wake up call. I wrote this almost four years ago and time is still very much relevant to me as it was back than it is to me now. Reading this piece has just reminded me that I just need to embrace this free time and allow myself to heal within this time I do have.

No more wasting it.