The War

"I just wanted to be at peace with you and if I gotta settle for a piece of you then I gotta say peace to you." - Wale

I wanna write brave words to fight fear

Talib Kweli - "Stand to the Side"

I wanna write away
I wanna write here
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Write dreams and nightmares
Might scare the folks stuck in the day
But nothing to say,
Well I'm way ahead by light years
So beware we keep the lights on
I wanna write the songs from right to wrong
Right on
Riding the light so you see in the dark
So deep you gotta be still like your beating heart
My words apply the pressure to make the bleeding stop
See the art, living right, eating smart
I wanna right to life, a right to death
Police read your rights from right to left
But I never write to remain silent
I fight through police line
Cops walk the beat that I write to
I teach minds, write rhymes with the right sound
Right now, journalists write up
I write down

Clockworks - throwback

I was looking through my old notebooks and my old blogposts and I came across this piece I wrote about time. If you read my previous post, you'd realize I've been battling my "time with my freemind" lately so it was fitting to come across this post I'm about to share with you.

I wrote the following piece at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was probably my first week back at USF chillin' in my Phelan dorm room with Lib. We were both super hardcore Greys Anatomy fans way back when the shows were still on Sundays (ha! see how OG i was?) and I was so into the show that almost every monologue they recited, I wrote down or looked up after the episode. I was THAT faithful to the show (and kinda still wish I were). Anyway to my point... I can't remember exactly what happened in this episode that I watched, but all I can remember is that this was a season premiere episode where Meredith ends the scene with a monologue talking about the daily affect Time can have on us. She said:

Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time.
Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go.
Time.

- Grey's Anatomy

And this is what I wrote immediately after hearing it.

(*FYI-sidenote: The following is probably one of my most favorite pieces I've EVER written. Can someone please inspire me to write this way again? I miss free-flowing words.)

I know most of us, if not all of us know that they can relate to this monologue. Folks have been telling me since I got back to the city that they wish they could turn back time. Others have been telling me that they wish they could instead speed up time. And as for myself, all I wish is to freeze time. Truly, I think we've all come to a point in our lives where timing means everything. There are moments in our lives we wish to relive, people we wish we still had in our lives, and changes that we wish never changed those moments. So we blame time. We blame time and say we want it to speed up. We want to get over it. As if time wasn't on our side. We blame time for all the wrong reasons. When all we want is that self reassurance that everything will get better so we wish that time never existed. We begin to wish specific moments or specific people in our lives didn't affect the being we've become today. It's as if we often find ourselves at a stand-still when times get rough. We wish times were better, never wanting to face what's in front of us. Leaving us to look in the past for comfort never wanting to distance ourselves away from the familiar. Never allowing ourselves to move forward towards the future. So we stay still. Never wanting anything to harm us, touch us, or affect us. Leaving us to hold onto what's comfortable and blaming what's not.

I admit it, I'm learning. I'm learning the hard way that with all the time in the world, there's only one thing I can do for myself and that is to accept the changes that are taking place. I have to live my life regardless of those times I wish never happened and live off of those that did. I have to let go. Because with all the time in the world there's no time for that. We just gotta live, adapt, and cherish what time we do have.

- "Clockworks," September 24, 2006

Now imagine me re-reading this now... it's like my wake up call. I wrote this almost four years ago and time is still very much relevant to me as it was back than it is to me now. Reading this piece has just reminded me that I just need to embrace this free time and allow myself to heal within this time I do have.

No more wasting it.

I love waking up to texts.

But what's even better than receiving a "Good morning" text is when someone chooses to share a piece of literature or poetry with you to start the day. A homie of mine (my tea parallel) that I caught up with a couple nights before sent me the following quote hoping to inspire me somehow. It channels the discussion we were having over this transition, this altering point, this form of change and growth that I'm still trying to grasp and hone positively in my life. She knew I've been stuck in this mad funk of uncertainty where I've been battling time and my free mind admist this lifestyle I haven't fully adjusted to yet. I told her I've been in this constant battle between what I want, what I need, who I want, and who I need; every day trying to decipher what I feel truly belongs in my life right now, trying to embrace this environment I'm placed in, trying to find my ground amidst all this confusion.

So in response to all that I told her, she sent me this piece below through text hoping these words would bring life to me.

"Am I brave enough to grow by risking all that I trust and believe and leap into the unknown with no fear of falling as we must touch the ground regularly anyway? If you can't do that then you have might as well not have the blessing. It's like questioning God why did I receive this gift. Why am I burning blurring my knowing with doubt. The sun shines brightly. Bring shades."

- Martin Luther, Rebel Soul

Thanks for this, JAT.

For me.

Every time the writer's disease comes back to haunt me, I have this tendency to seek out "inspirational quotes" to get me writing again. And here's the most recent one I found:

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writer’s will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals."

- Don Delillo

This serves as a remembrance to keep writing for myself not for you.