Random thoughts at 3:28am

1. My foolish heart loves to believe things will always find a way to change for the better. As if nothing will ever really fall apart unless it's meant to. My mind is stuck on this notion that somehow when in doubt the forces of the universe will congregate together to align my stars in sequence when the time permits worthy of the heavens' energy. Always there to replace my fear with positivity.

2. Why is it we learn only to let go only after we've been hurt so many times? Only after we've seen the worst?

3. I'd like to think every action pursued amidst human touch serves as a gesture of our inner spirits engaging an everlasting connection among true love.

4. Physically and intellectually our minds and hearts continue to grow each day. Growing in ways we never thought they'd mature to be. And as we all continue to grow, the simple connection with another being becomes a challenge. As our minds alter, our hearts become more conscious. We begin to examine our relationships with people we've cared for realizing the connection has become stronger or weaker amidst this growth. Turning to our hearts to decipher which individuals in our lives are worth growing with or growing apart.

5. Distractions are seeking to deplete our minds of the fear before us. Clothing our thoughts as a blindfold to our reality.

6. It's cheesy how I only crave for him to hold me again only after I've seen a romantic comedy. And even then it only lasts for a few minutes. Then after the credits roll, I go back to struttin' my own, keeping my guard up and never letting him back in again.

7. Collecting my thoughts in pursuit of articulating the part of my mind I keep caged.

8. Loving someone who's hurt you is the worse vice to break. I've seen it.

9. Thinking like this is fcking up my sleeping patterns, but making good poetry. Beautiful cyphers embracing peace of mind.

10. It's true. I only think like this after 3am. And I only crave 'dro when I think like this past 3am.

11. The aforementioned is an evident result of me listening to "Nothing Even Matters" - Lauryn Hill ft. D'Angelo on repeat.

Remind me to try this.

Just read an article that inspired me to start meditating in the mornings. For 20mins, I'd sit in complete silence focusing on my breathing, clearing my mind and releasing my thoughts.

A simple exercise that's seen as a way to refresh your mind before the day begins to plague it.

Scatter brain

I scatter my thoughts across the paper

One
Two
Three
Lines of random expression

Open for taking

Left vulnerable
Amidst unfinished thoughts
Among disconnected subjects

All piled up

In between fear
Below the insecurity
Above regret

I continue to scatter

Never fully finishing
Never fully recognizing
Never fully grapsing

How I feel

So I scatter
In nonsense

...

Love > Simplicity

Bumped into this on my way off the MUNI. It kinda reminded me of what was left on this New York Subway door:



It amazes me how much individuals could value (or analyze) a simple statement only when the word: "love" is placed in it.

It's true. This one word could manipulate anything and everything so simple. From our thoughts to our actions, with this word present the purpose of everything we think of and everything we do heightens in meaning.

---
*originally written on fckminetoo.

Erykah Badu - "Jump Up In The Air"

And here she goes again posting at 3:33...

I just came back from the Erykah Badu site and this time at 3:33am she compiled a short mix of media clips to formulate a message I could only come close to fully understanding if I were Badu.

From the few glimpses that I caught chopped clips from The History Channel, Obama speeches and the Olympics were just a few that were intertwined to formulate an obscure theme that provoked visuals through a unique lens. All were powerful images of some sort channeling issues and themes in the current media. Clips were dished out and exchanged throughout the video so quickly that when the clips calmed down, the video cut and transformed into a hand puppet show shown only to end the visuals all so suddenly. While seconds after this mini video is shown the "Jump In the Air" kaleidoscope video reappears.

Didn't get that? Keep up. This is the kind of material I've been watching every day at 3:33.

"As promised, Erykah Badu is sticking to the script and releasing new content at 3:33 (from various time zones) from now until the release of New Amerykah Part Two: Return of The Ankh, which will be out 3.30.2010 AD. For today's leak, we enter the Erykahlidoscope with the full version of her self-directed video "Jump Up In The Air and Stay There" featuring Bilal and Lil Wayne. Erykah has confirmed that the song does indeed have 9 other versions with 9 different emcees." (Read more on Okayplayer)



All of Badu's postings have got me highly anticipating this upcoming album. Badu never fails to amuse me. There's no doubt she is the true guru of creativity - always progressing, always moving forward with her projects, always giving us fans never what we expect and always providing us with material only Badu can dream up to create.

"Sometimes good thoughts come in chaos."

Current read: The Alchemist by. Paulo Coelho

Do I get slipped a late pass for this one? Cause I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't read this book yet.

When I look up on folks' favorite books on fb somehow most of my friends got this listed as #1. When I ask folks what I should read they'll tell me "anything from Paulo Coelho." And when I went to the library this book was still considered a "hot item" on the shelves. Seriously though? What's in this book that's got folks all hyped? I've even heard this author (more specifically this book) can supply stories powerful enough to change outlooks on life. Now I'd say if that were the case I had to jump on the bandwagon to see for myself if this book was worth all the talk.

So a couple of days ago I decided I needed to start a new read. And what better book to read than the one that's been mentioned to me several times? Obviously I had to try reading this myself. My curiosity was irritating me. I was beginning to wonder if this book could affect me the way other readers have been affected. Plus I needed a new book to carry around in my bag and according to my friend, Lauren this one is a perfect fit since I'm currently going through a transition/life hunt rut. Maybe this book could enlighten me a bit?

Right about now I'm only a few pages in since it had me at a slow start. For some reason I couldn't get through the first couple sentences. I had to re-read the beginning lines over and over again just to pay attention, haha. As is the case with some other books, my impatient ass had trouble getting interested. But after about 15 pages in and some character development, the story started to pick up and now I'm pretty hooked.

I'm hoping to finish this book by this weekend. Then we'll see if by this weekend this piece of literature can really have that special affect on me. I'm a skeptic till I finish it all.

ICU Smile

Oh hail, iTunes shuffle for helping me rediscover this song I once had on repeat:

14kt - "ICU Smile"
This track always knew how to make me feel better when I was goin' through some rough shit. Initially upon my first listen the beats are what had me hooked. But then along came the words, the poetry and then the message that collectively put off an overall feelgood vibe that had me leaving this track on for days. When you listen to it Karla Crawford recites a poem by Christian D. Larson at the end.

"I Promise Myself" by. Christian D. Larson

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
---

If this isn't some empowering/uplifting shit then I don't know what is. This shit cures me every time.

Note to Self #3:

The Avila Brothers (ft. Little Brother) - "Smile"

Clockworks - throwback

I was looking through my old notebooks and my old blogposts and I came across this piece I wrote about time. If you read my previous post, you'd realize I've been battling my "time with my freemind" lately so it was fitting to come across this post I'm about to share with you.

I wrote the following piece at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was probably my first week back at USF chillin' in my Phelan dorm room with Lib. We were both super hardcore Greys Anatomy fans way back when the shows were still on Sundays (ha! see how OG i was?) and I was so into the show that almost every monologue they recited, I wrote down or looked up after the episode. I was THAT faithful to the show (and kinda still wish I were). Anyway to my point... I can't remember exactly what happened in this episode that I watched, but all I can remember is that this was a season premiere episode where Meredith ends the scene with a monologue talking about the daily affect Time can have on us. She said:

Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time.
Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go.
Time.

- Grey's Anatomy

And this is what I wrote immediately after hearing it.

(*FYI-sidenote: The following is probably one of my most favorite pieces I've EVER written. Can someone please inspire me to write this way again? I miss free-flowing words.)

I know most of us, if not all of us know that they can relate to this monologue. Folks have been telling me since I got back to the city that they wish they could turn back time. Others have been telling me that they wish they could instead speed up time. And as for myself, all I wish is to freeze time. Truly, I think we've all come to a point in our lives where timing means everything. There are moments in our lives we wish to relive, people we wish we still had in our lives, and changes that we wish never changed those moments. So we blame time. We blame time and say we want it to speed up. We want to get over it. As if time wasn't on our side. We blame time for all the wrong reasons. When all we want is that self reassurance that everything will get better so we wish that time never existed. We begin to wish specific moments or specific people in our lives didn't affect the being we've become today. It's as if we often find ourselves at a stand-still when times get rough. We wish times were better, never wanting to face what's in front of us. Leaving us to look in the past for comfort never wanting to distance ourselves away from the familiar. Never allowing ourselves to move forward towards the future. So we stay still. Never wanting anything to harm us, touch us, or affect us. Leaving us to hold onto what's comfortable and blaming what's not.

I admit it, I'm learning. I'm learning the hard way that with all the time in the world, there's only one thing I can do for myself and that is to accept the changes that are taking place. I have to live my life regardless of those times I wish never happened and live off of those that did. I have to let go. Because with all the time in the world there's no time for that. We just gotta live, adapt, and cherish what time we do have.

- "Clockworks," September 24, 2006

Now imagine me re-reading this now... it's like my wake up call. I wrote this almost four years ago and time is still very much relevant to me as it was back than it is to me now. Reading this piece has just reminded me that I just need to embrace this free time and allow myself to heal within this time I do have.

No more wasting it.

I love waking up to texts.

But what's even better than receiving a "Good morning" text is when someone chooses to share a piece of literature or poetry with you to start the day. A homie of mine (my tea parallel) that I caught up with a couple nights before sent me the following quote hoping to inspire me somehow. It channels the discussion we were having over this transition, this altering point, this form of change and growth that I'm still trying to grasp and hone positively in my life. She knew I've been stuck in this mad funk of uncertainty where I've been battling time and my free mind admist this lifestyle I haven't fully adjusted to yet. I told her I've been in this constant battle between what I want, what I need, who I want, and who I need; every day trying to decipher what I feel truly belongs in my life right now, trying to embrace this environment I'm placed in, trying to find my ground amidst all this confusion.

So in response to all that I told her, she sent me this piece below through text hoping these words would bring life to me.

"Am I brave enough to grow by risking all that I trust and believe and leap into the unknown with no fear of falling as we must touch the ground regularly anyway? If you can't do that then you have might as well not have the blessing. It's like questioning God why did I receive this gift. Why am I burning blurring my knowing with doubt. The sun shines brightly. Bring shades."

- Martin Luther, Rebel Soul

Thanks for this, JAT.

Caught.

Him: Leenie! How have you been?
Me: Good. You?
Him: Liar. Tell me what's wrong.
Me: *signs off*
Him: hahahahaha