RE: Strangers (II)

I'm hungry for some real human connection.

For speech with real substance, where a conversation doesn't always have to lead with what happened last night or what drama started this morning. I'm feenin' for some straight verbal exchange provoking thoughts we've never come across and thoughts we never thought of without this encounter. I want to talk news. I want to talk literature. I want to talk music. I want to talk about life. I want hear to hear your story. I want to hear you. Educate me on your views. Allow me to see the other side. Enrich my being. But do so in away without the necessity of mentioning bullshit actions or our faulty past to engage me.

I want a real connection between you and I...

where our exchange can trigger a trend of words and lines of emotions fueling a dialogue that'll challenge me, but leave me inspired and motivated. Where we speak with honest tones and create a dialogue beyond fear, worry and hesitation. Where it's simply only our minds doing the talking.

Hi you.

It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. It’s been days, weeks, almost months since we’ve had a decent conversation. Let alone even seen each other. All forms of communication we once used to keep in touch is (virtually) non-existent anymore. Among all the mediums that could potentially connect us both, we instead choose to ignore. Instead of picking up the phone, dialing, sending a text or an email, we refrain. We remain silent.

Cause it’s at this moment we choose to believe each other doesn’t exist.

In hindsight, we’ve erased each other. We’ve given up. We’ve become tired, tired of trying to make us work. We’ve both become so complacent and indifferent towards one another, we’ve forced ourselves to believe the connection we once had never existed; thus creating a wall between us. This wall meant to protect ourselves from our past. From our history. From our friendship. This same space we’ve built in our minds to help us heal. To help us forget. To help us believe we’ve become irrelevant in each others lives. But most of all to help us move forward without each other.

This is what time did for us. Time allowed us to separate. And in turn we’ve responded by making this conscious effort to keep safe distance between one another. As if this the only way we could fix what we’ve broken.

So here we disconnect.

Cause at this moment we’d like to believe our past speaks volumes. And in order for us to enable a future, we must distance ourselves from our present. Until need be.

Until ready.

One Word: "Matching"

synchronized and parallel
here we stand almost identical
as our bodies pose vertically
matching in weather
whether externally or internally
it’s at this moment
our beings pair peacefully

Mind association, music inclination

It’s a habit our mind makes.

That first moment we hear a song we haven’t heard before, our ear drums immediately capture the unfamiliar sounds into a frequency channeling our mind’s preference, triggering our tastes and honing our mind’s groove. It’s that very moment when our minds determine if we truly like a song or not upon the initial beat or rhythm. While our ears vibe off the sounds and our minds make that crucial decision, it’s our hearts that make a quick association with the rhythm of the song to the beat of our mind’s state.

042610

I write. I write a lot. I write about everything my mind dreams up. Off of impulse, off of feeling, off of an initial reaction, anything that moves me, inspires me, challenges me, creates that fire in me – I write. I write when my thoughts choose to manifest my mind as silence breaks and I’m stuck in a trance of solitude. I write in peace. I write for peace. I write in pieces. I write for those whose lips are glued silent. I write when I think no one else can hear me. I write if your beat speaks to me, if lyrically each bar or each verse you took time to create moves me. I write best when I’m surrounded by beings who fuel my growth. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write without the mentality of attaining fame. I write to keep record of my living. I write for my own enjoyment. I write for comfort. I write because I love to. I write for me.

But sometimes I can’t write. I can’t write when I force myself to. I can’t write when you tell me to. I can’t write what you wrote. I can’t write like you. I can’t write when I’m left in an atmosphere haven to blank walls. I can’t write if my mind isn’t open. I can’t write if my words deem superficial. I can’t write if my words are provoked by all the wrong reasons. I can’t write if I feel suffocated. I can’t write if you don’t allow me use my own voice. I can never write for you if you don’t inspire me to.

Writing whatever deems my mind (ful)fill…ing.

sugarcoating days. drinking tea. losing sleep. swelling eye. concealing emotions. spacing love. burning bridges. tying ropes. hanging up. calling voices. missing beings. relapsing memories. reconnecting lifelines. disconnecting habits. annihilating negatives.

letting go.

transitioning phases. growing up. silencing fear. surrounding faces. erasing frowns. provoking smiles. feeling touches. giving care. lighting sun. saving trees. channeling owls. hunting deer. treading water. breathing air. dreaming consciously. staying awake. speaking freely. listening hearts. sounding beats. running thoughts. orchestrating pieces. marinating creations. minding individuality. spilling creativity.

seeing love.

regaining (my) vision. leaving pasts. stepping away. moving forward. keeping faith. finding strength. utilizing freedom. hustlin for (my) future. procreating words. taking chances. embracing change. signing pluses. counting days. battling time. tackling life. existing.

One of my freewrites that I found written on July 4, 2006

Often times we get distracted by the unnecessary, the irrelevant - things that shouldn't matter. And we never pay attention to what's right in front of us. The goodness that's just right underneath our noses. The person in front of us. The opportunity that awaits us. The obvious. Instead, we always say we want the easy way out when we always make things complicated. It's a fucking cycle. We keep searching around for what we think we want but when we get it, we think we need more. We need substance. We need reassurance. We want more excitement. We want something new. We're never satisfied. We look around for what we want, when what we want is right in our faces. And when we realize it, it's too late. Opportunities are wasted. People are gone. What could have been turns into never happening. Then what if's turn into regrets. And we're back on that cycle again, hoping to find the obvious. The easy way out. The answer we want. When in reality, we missed it because we cared too much. Or we didn't care enough when the time was right.

Trees, Dreams, & Déjà vu

the simplicity of a living creature
amidst the son (sun) of Mother Earth
leaves (leafs) petals rooted in existence
with the breath of clouds above
embracing our dreams present
in lineage
of the sky

in creation

among the blues of heaven

[...]

Random thoughts at 3:28am

1. My foolish heart loves to believe things will always find a way to change for the better. As if nothing will ever really fall apart unless it's meant to. My mind is stuck on this notion that somehow when in doubt the forces of the universe will congregate together to align my stars in sequence when the time permits worthy of the heavens' energy. Always there to replace my fear with positivity.

2. Why is it we learn only to let go only after we've been hurt so many times? Only after we've seen the worst?

3. I'd like to think every action pursued amidst human touch serves as a gesture of our inner spirits engaging an everlasting connection among true love.

4. Physically and intellectually our minds and hearts continue to grow each day. Growing in ways we never thought they'd mature to be. And as we all continue to grow, the simple connection with another being becomes a challenge. As our minds alter, our hearts become more conscious. We begin to examine our relationships with people we've cared for realizing the connection has become stronger or weaker amidst this growth. Turning to our hearts to decipher which individuals in our lives are worth growing with or growing apart.

5. Distractions are seeking to deplete our minds of the fear before us. Clothing our thoughts as a blindfold to our reality.

6. It's cheesy how I only crave for him to hold me again only after I've seen a romantic comedy. And even then it only lasts for a few minutes. Then after the credits roll, I go back to struttin' my own, keeping my guard up and never letting him back in again.

7. Collecting my thoughts in pursuit of articulating the part of my mind I keep caged.

8. Loving someone who's hurt you is the worse vice to break. I've seen it.

9. Thinking like this is fcking up my sleeping patterns, but making good poetry. Beautiful cyphers embracing peace of mind.

10. It's true. I only think like this after 3am. And I only crave 'dro when I think like this past 3am.

11. The aforementioned is an evident result of me listening to "Nothing Even Matters" - Lauryn Hill ft. D'Angelo on repeat.

Scatter brain

I scatter my thoughts across the paper

One
Two
Three
Lines of random expression

Open for taking

Left vulnerable
Amidst unfinished thoughts
Among disconnected subjects

All piled up

In between fear
Below the insecurity
Above regret

I continue to scatter

Never fully finishing
Never fully recognizing
Never fully grapsing

How I feel

So I scatter
In nonsense

...

cycling.

i get these random spurts of free flowing thoughts in my mind that provoke me to write all that's inside me. but then when i begin, i realize i can't make sense of it all. piecing together these thoughts and motions in my mind become unclear. and then.... i stop.

and i have to start all over again. and wait for that energy to come back to fuel me. inspire me. somehow provoke me to try to write again.

what a vicious cycle.

Grumpy woke up on the wrong side of the bed

I hate waking up grumpy
I hate it even more when I stay grumpy
The feeling sucks
It sucks even more when the feeling stays with me throughout the day

Following me
Shadowing me
Haunting me
Like a bad horror film
Starring me and this passive aggressive anger
That just won't leave me

Closed doors my stubborn mind persists
As if nothing can shake off this feeling
Tea, music, human connection
Nor verbal sympathy could cure me
(Cause I'm fucking grumpy)

My mind made a decision to stay this way for the day
To embrace this mix of negative emotions
That I never knew I felt
Till I woke up this way

Blame it on the nightmare last night
The nightmare that seeped through my reality
Awakening my fears in the middle of the night
Then greeting me when the sun rose
With a lingering message attached with a remembrance
Of all I've been avoiding

Focusing attention
On worries I've kept refrained when my eyes are kept wide open
Only reminding me being awake is just as scary
Especially when dreams are replaced by a cycle of disconnect
Among elation lost amidst translation
Into a world that's supposed to keep me
At peace
At balance

But instead today I am left fighting
Fighting the fears and emotions kept hidden
In response to this urgent tone
This mind manifested through trance
Reminding me
Never allowing me to forget
To rid the identical worries I dream asleep
To those same worries I face awake

Clusterfck of thoughts? @ 3:24am

the following piece probably won't make sense to you, but that's okay. cause you know what? it doesn't' really make sense to me either. or it did. but just in my head? [...] just know i started writing and i refused to erase anything that came out. hence, i'd like to formally declare this piece as my "word vomit" aka free write of the night. this is pretty much me yacking out some thoughts for my sake not for yours.
---




there's been moments like these when i don't know what to write. when all the ideas i've thought of before are erased momentarily from my mind due to the fact that my mind is clouded with so much shit and clutter that i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel or how i feel i should write. or what i feel i should write about? see my mind has been on this weird tip where my ciphers can't connect. they disconnect. and most recently my gemini self has been really revealing itself in my behavior lately. most days i can't make a decision. most days i've been feeling TWO (many) feelings. i've been on this parade of thoughts i'm unsure about. one day i'm cool, the next day i'm uneasy. it's involved anything and everything that makes me. from family to friends to relationships to school to jobs to the city to SJ. i'm constantly surrounded by decisions that at one point in my life i thought i was sure about making. but most recently when i wake up the next day my decisions change again. my emotions feel different. some things i didn't give a fck about before are the things i'd be fighting for. folks i thought i didn't care for i feel a longing for. i go from feeling strong to weak to strong again. i meddle back and forth in my mind like a fcked up seesaw that never ends. then somehow when my mind is spinning it wanders in a direction that urges me to find the point in all this? the point in me worrying, wondering, thinking... the point in me making these decisions? that's when i realize that my mind seeks satisfaction in ways that i once never thought of. my mind find satisfaction in possibilities. in the future. in my future. these endless possibilties that i've only once thought of but now hope to embrace. i've been thinking a lot about this freedom i've been given after graduating. this freedom that everyone is so excited to have. but the same freedom i'm too scared to live in. with so many decisions to be made i'm beginning to feel that this freedom i've been privileged to have is something that only scares me because it allows room for doubt and fear. it leaves room for me to question what i've always been unsure of. but then that's when i begin to realize that those decisions i once made before this "freedom" arose were decisions i only concluded to because i was constrained. i didn't know better. my mind wasn't exploring. my mind was stuck. my possibilities were limited. my life was mapped out in directions i was forced to go. but now that i've been given the time, the lesson, the leeway and the opportunity to seek my options at full force it is now my chance to subsume what i truly want. to explore my thoughts. to never doubt myself but to believe that this "freedom" i've been given is to fuel me. to motivate me. to inspire me. to allow me to be the being i've always envisioned to be. the being i've only imagined to be. to embrace that image. hold it. make it happen. and constantly remind myself that every single decision that's going to be made from now on will affect the future me and all that makes me... only for the better.

12/13 free write

walked up and down these streets as if had a purpose. as if i had somewhere to go. fast-paced... on a mission. to where? all i feel is my body walking with my mind trailing. fast-paced legs, fast-paced thoughts. running. skipping. leaping from one motion to one thought ahead. moving, passing, walking through streets with the wind peacefully brushing my face. peacefully erasing my worries just for that moment. that moment where my feet take place of my mind. where my limbs take me towards a place my mind is unaware of. here, i subconsciously constantly keep pace, constantly move, so the reality standing before me can't catch up to me.

peace of mind

Strangers

"It’s not so much that you miss past relationships, you just miss the person you thought they were."

There comes a time when a friendship between two people change. When the exciting stage is over, spontaneity is lost, and when things turn into routine. When the time spent between two people alters into a mere convenience only held up by past memories and connections leaving absent the existence of trust in one another.

It's that scary moment when the person sitting across from you isn't the same person you saw before. The individual that once challenged you, inspired you, motivated you, changed you, and brought out the best in you is now the individual who is keeping you from growing. It's that moment when you realize that the person sitting across from you isn't the person who makes you feel good anymore. It comes to a point when you realize that this friendship lost its substance.

Every moment spent with one another is only convenient. Too comfortable to the point where nothing substantial exists between you two. When conversation loses its purpose and instead replaces communication with superficial words exchanged only for the sole purpose of breaking unspoken tension. When words are forced, thoughts are constrained and trust is doubted. When hanging out is just another excuse to be around each other physically. Together you both stare at the TV, type on your laptops, and go out to coffee shops. But collectively, there's no mutual connection there anymore. It's merely two individuals interacting physically, but mentally & intellectually the two have become strangers. Just strangers using every distraction around them to avoid the obvious change in connection.

The only genuine thing holding you two together is the comfort you both have in using the friendship's history to save the friendship present. It's that mutual belief that for this moment settling for each others presence is enough.