the following piece probably won't make sense to you, but that's okay. cause you know what? it doesn't' really make sense to me either. or it did. but just in my head? [...] just know i started writing and i refused to erase anything that came out. hence, i'd like to formally declare this piece as my "word vomit" aka free write of the night. this is pretty much me yacking out some thoughts for my sake not for yours.
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there's been moments like these when i don't know what to write. when all the ideas i've thought of before are erased momentarily from my mind due to the fact that my mind is clouded with so much shit and clutter that i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel or how i feel i should write. or what i feel i should write about? see my mind has been on this weird tip where my ciphers can't connect. they disconnect. and most recently my gemini self has been really revealing itself in my behavior lately. most days i can't make a decision. most days i've been feeling TWO (many) feelings. i've been on this parade of thoughts i'm unsure about. one day i'm cool, the next day i'm uneasy. it's involved anything and everything that makes me. from family to friends to relationships to school to jobs to the city to SJ. i'm constantly surrounded by decisions that at one point in my life i thought i was sure about making. but most recently when i wake up the next day my decisions change again. my emotions feel different. some things i didn't give a fck about before are the things i'd be fighting for. folks i thought i didn't care for i feel a longing for. i go from feeling strong to weak to strong again. i meddle back and forth in my mind like a fcked up seesaw that never ends. then somehow when my mind is spinning it wanders in a direction that urges me to find the point in all this? the point in me worrying, wondering, thinking... the point in me making these decisions? that's when i realize that my mind seeks satisfaction in ways that i once never thought of. my mind find satisfaction in possibilities. in the future. in my future. these endless possibilties that i've only once thought of but now hope to embrace. i've been thinking a lot about this freedom i've been given after graduating. this freedom that everyone is so excited to have. but the same freedom i'm too scared to live in. with so many decisions to be made i'm beginning to feel that this freedom i've been privileged to have is something that only scares me because it allows room for doubt and fear. it leaves room for me to question what i've always been unsure of. but then that's when i begin to realize that those decisions i once made before this "freedom" arose were decisions i only concluded to because i was constrained. i didn't know better. my mind wasn't exploring. my mind was stuck. my possibilities were limited. my life was mapped out in directions i was forced to go. but now that i've been given the time, the lesson, the leeway and the opportunity to seek my options at full force it is now my chance to subsume what i truly want. to explore my thoughts. to never doubt myself but to believe that this "freedom" i've been given is to fuel me. to motivate me. to inspire me. to allow me to be the being i've always envisioned to be. the being i've only imagined to be. to embrace that image. hold it. make it happen. and constantly remind myself that every single decision that's going to be made from now on will affect the future me and all that makes me... only for the better.
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