042610

I write. I write a lot. I write about everything my mind dreams up. Off of impulse, off of feeling, off of an initial reaction, anything that moves me, inspires me, challenges me, creates that fire in me – I write. I write when my thoughts choose to manifest my mind as silence breaks and I’m stuck in a trance of solitude. I write in peace. I write for peace. I write in pieces. I write for those whose lips are glued silent. I write when I think no one else can hear me. I write if your beat speaks to me, if lyrically each bar or each verse you took time to create moves me. I write best when I’m surrounded by beings who fuel my growth. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write without the mentality of attaining fame. I write to keep record of my living. I write for my own enjoyment. I write for comfort. I write because I love to. I write for me.

But sometimes I can’t write. I can’t write when I force myself to. I can’t write when you tell me to. I can’t write what you wrote. I can’t write like you. I can’t write when I’m left in an atmosphere haven to blank walls. I can’t write if my mind isn’t open. I can’t write if my words deem superficial. I can’t write if my words are provoked by all the wrong reasons. I can’t write if I feel suffocated. I can’t write if you don’t allow me use my own voice. I can never write for you if you don’t inspire me to.

yesterday my housemate called me a nobody.

there's been a lot of tension in the house... it's like an overworked muscle waiting for recovery. i don't want to pull the subject out of context but I've graduated and worked at the same coffee shop for almost a year now.

see, my housemates are still in college. I'm in the post-grad oh not so hot in life phase right now. I know, I could be rockin' it hard, downin' all the ma'f-ckas i can handle--but I decided not to.

right now I should be in the second half of me conjuring up pre-reqs to faintly apply for grad school. which by the way, at some point i plan TO BE SOMEBODY. (sort of in the same sense as now, but a different quality of experience, a higher pay, and a closer relation to my clients, not so much the customers).

but life happened. i sort of fell into this post-grad pity party of not having a solid plan my senior year of that youthful undergrad school life...you know the party everywhere/everyday kind of thing-- instead, i decided i didn't want to do law, and that computer science wasn't my forte...that psychology wasn't the bike ride i wanted to be on. & that my "what is lost" question isn't going to help me graduate from a masters in some type of theory. oh no, no.

aside from my wallet (which was fully owned and handled by parental numbers 1 & 2) being snatched and disconnected from right under me: the true reality of a struggling economy, lack of job opportunities & growing up really drowned me.

maybe some people will tell me that i'm growing up to fast, or that i'm on a good path....whatever people have in mind they can have, say, and/or keep...but why this job means so much to me is something that has given me character, maybe a tiny ball sac, and a stepping stone onto who i plan to be.

530 wake up calls-- to prepare for the customers in order to serv[ic]e them. without that cup of addiction or daily need to get them through the day where/who would they be? my job has to mean something.

whatever reason(s) i decide to stick to my job: "because i chose 530 for my sunday, monday gigs. because the people i work with are efficient, witty, quick on their feet, seriously awesome, super layered character".

that coffeshop is where i learned to treat people--thorugh my service for others. from my words, to my hands, to my head, to my feet... i've opened, i've worked, i've cleaned, i've closed.

to choose this lifestyle wasn't an easy one . some of the things i have learned to live without were definetly a challenge to let go. & to understand the meaning of sacrafice at this age has been a journey.

see, i'm filling in my foundation for a better future because i know who and what i can be. i'm starting from the beginning so i can make a thorough finish.

i make decisions to keep them. call me commited because i'm not complaining.

...and how you called me a nobody.

No wordsmith could cure me (draft #1)

see this is unhealthy
to read your poetry
as cynicism bleeds down my cheeks
in alignment
to each line you’ve composed

because cautiously
i’ve come to learn
you in my he(art)
is non-existent

Writing whatever deems my mind (ful)fill…ing.

sugarcoating days. drinking tea. losing sleep. swelling eye. concealing emotions. spacing love. burning bridges. tying ropes. hanging up. calling voices. missing beings. relapsing memories. reconnecting lifelines. disconnecting habits. annihilating negatives.

letting go.

transitioning phases. growing up. silencing fear. surrounding faces. erasing frowns. provoking smiles. feeling touches. giving care. lighting sun. saving trees. channeling owls. hunting deer. treading water. breathing air. dreaming consciously. staying awake. speaking freely. listening hearts. sounding beats. running thoughts. orchestrating pieces. marinating creations. minding individuality. spilling creativity.

seeing love.

regaining (my) vision. leaving pasts. stepping away. moving forward. keeping faith. finding strength. utilizing freedom. hustlin for (my) future. procreating words. taking chances. embracing change. signing pluses. counting days. battling time. tackling life. existing.

One of my freewrites that I found written on July 4, 2006

Often times we get distracted by the unnecessary, the irrelevant - things that shouldn't matter. And we never pay attention to what's right in front of us. The goodness that's just right underneath our noses. The person in front of us. The opportunity that awaits us. The obvious. Instead, we always say we want the easy way out when we always make things complicated. It's a fucking cycle. We keep searching around for what we think we want but when we get it, we think we need more. We need substance. We need reassurance. We want more excitement. We want something new. We're never satisfied. We look around for what we want, when what we want is right in our faces. And when we realize it, it's too late. Opportunities are wasted. People are gone. What could have been turns into never happening. Then what if's turn into regrets. And we're back on that cycle again, hoping to find the obvious. The easy way out. The answer we want. When in reality, we missed it because we cared too much. Or we didn't care enough when the time was right.