cycling.

i get these random spurts of free flowing thoughts in my mind that provoke me to write all that's inside me. but then when i begin, i realize i can't make sense of it all. piecing together these thoughts and motions in my mind become unclear. and then.... i stop.

and i have to start all over again. and wait for that energy to come back to fuel me. inspire me. somehow provoke me to try to write again.

what a vicious cycle.

Note to self #5:

Continue to surround yourself with individuals who fuel your growth.

All signs point forward.

Note to Self #33:

Learn to say "No." It'll hurt less than lying.

Hellz x Vans, you are MINE.

I've always been faithful to Vans and since last year I've come to love Hellz-Bellz. Now the two are collaborating? Best believe I am on this hype.

Hellz X Vans from HELLZ on Vimeo.

Current annoyances:

1. Post-grad life. Knew this feeling would come... transitioning is a btch ya'll. This whole "I'm trying to find myself" mantra runs through my head every day. Everyday I'm plagued with this thought every time I wake up. And it doesn't help that my days seem long as shit. Job searching is depressing. My dream of writing for a living seems so out of reach right now. I, thank the economy for being so discouraging (and picky).

2. Change. Change in my relationships with people, change in my location, change in my lifestyle, change in my emotions, change in my mood, and change in my pocket. All this is changing and I can't help it. I don't deal with the inevitable well.

3. No more loose-leaf tea. I need to buy more oolong on 6th. But I'm broke.

4. $$$. When is this never annoying? I just got myself a new credit card. I'm too scared to activate it though.

5. Muni Pass. Why you gotta be $70 a month?! I've been stuck chillin' in the Inner Richmond area cause my ass doesn't wanna pay $2 every time I ride the bus. I've been walking everywhere. I miss taking adventures around the city.

6. Him. You know who you are. I miss you, homie. I miss the knowledge, inspiration, humor and good conversation you'd bring me. I miss you being around. Where'd you go?

7. Writer's block. I'm starting to realize my choice of turning my passion into my career has become risky. More now than ever. I'm starting to realize the way I articulate my thoughts on paper hinder the way I write because I'm self-conscious. I think too much. I think too much about what I write. Before I declared "journalism" as part of my major, writing never felt this way. I never felt suffocated when I wrote. I always felt the opposite. Now my mind doesn't flow as freely anymore. Every thought I try to say never comes out the way I want it to. It's as if lately I've allowed my craft to be defined by what others. My words have been made to please my audiences instead of pleasing myself. I'm writing what they wanna hear not what I wanna say. That honest and free-flowing tone in my voice has lost it's authenticity because I've lost my ability to write for myself first. Which is why I feel I have writer's block more nowadays. Writing hasn't been that "release" for me lately. It's lost it's appeal. And I need to get it back.

8. The bi-polar weather. It's raining when I wake up then when I step outside it's sunny. Here I'm only wearing my 12FT crewneck with moccasins on. I left my umbrella at home thinking it'll stay sunny. When I make it to coffee shop the rain reappears again and this time Mother Nature brought along thunder. I'm stuck at the coffee shop with no water-proof weapons to fight back with. I have someone pick me up from the shop and when I get home it's sunny again. Wtf, bi-polar weather. You've fckd with both my head and emotions lately. Stop that.

9. My un-updated iTunes. The latest thing I added was Corinne Bailey Rae's new album: The Sea. But I've been meaning to add more to it. Any suggestions?

10. Conan. He is still a man who I consider my BFF. Now I feel like we can't hang out anymore at 11:30pm because NBC, you fckd up.

Note to self #49:

Hold off on the soju shots for awhile.



7 shots in and I began to realize I was only taking shots to compliment the Korean yogurt chaser I was slowly falling in love with.
7 shots later I realized that motion wasn't such a good idea (for a lightweight).

Who the fck passes out at 10:30pm on a Friday night?

Soju, I kinda hate you now.
I am so affected by last night my head doesn't know how to nurse this bad hangover. It's. That. Bad. Pound for pound every hour. My head wants to explode.

Can I just say this though? Koreans, ya'll are hardcore. Kathy "Gangster" Lee, thanks for killing me last night. You win.

Grumpy woke up on the wrong side of the bed

I hate waking up grumpy
I hate it even more when I stay grumpy
The feeling sucks
It sucks even more when the feeling stays with me throughout the day

Following me
Shadowing me
Haunting me
Like a bad horror film
Starring me and this passive aggressive anger
That just won't leave me

Closed doors my stubborn mind persists
As if nothing can shake off this feeling
Tea, music, human connection
Nor verbal sympathy could cure me
(Cause I'm fucking grumpy)

My mind made a decision to stay this way for the day
To embrace this mix of negative emotions
That I never knew I felt
Till I woke up this way

Blame it on the nightmare last night
The nightmare that seeped through my reality
Awakening my fears in the middle of the night
Then greeting me when the sun rose
With a lingering message attached with a remembrance
Of all I've been avoiding

Focusing attention
On worries I've kept refrained when my eyes are kept wide open
Only reminding me being awake is just as scary
Especially when dreams are replaced by a cycle of disconnect
Among elation lost amidst translation
Into a world that's supposed to keep me
At peace
At balance

But instead today I am left fighting
Fighting the fears and emotions kept hidden
In response to this urgent tone
This mind manifested through trance
Reminding me
Never allowing me to forget
To rid the identical worries I dream asleep
To those same worries I face awake

She took the words (write) out of my mouth.

The following is a stanza off a Ruby Veridiano-Ching poem titled, "For All The Wars Inside Me" taken from her book, Miss Universe.


"Truth one.

I'm not always confident
I never know how to begin any of my poems
Wonder if I know how to use these words
Like I'm supposed to
Worry that I'm not able
Uncomfortable under pressure
Have trouble believing I'll live up to expectation
Can't even write anything for myself anymore
I've flung myself to the mercy of an audience
Attack myself as my own worst critic-
I think these days
I want to stop calling myself an artist
Just human
With faults and feelings
Like anyone
And these testaments serve as peace treaties
For all the wars
Inside me"

---

And that my friends is why she is my FAVORITE.

I need more time.

Scatter brain, pick up your pieces

Recollect and let flow.

I'm a Gem.

This is pretty accurate.

“Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they do not want to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.”

(via Baleria - my gem twin)

so i'm trying to land this blog job...

[insert static sound]

As for being in a country where my poppa and his addictive crew would run near-boiling water through burned rice to mimic the taste of coffee. I've decided that getting my socks knocked off my feet in a tin can with wings 30,000 feet in the air...that I should really get into the whole 2010 resolution dishing.

So may I repeat, very loud, through my screen to yours HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! (insert fireworks)

On a serious note, What's not exciting about flipping over that same old leaf that we can't seem to budge, and what's not exciting about trying for the umpteenth time to keep a resolution? Ha, resolutions.

According to Wiki:

A New Years Resolution (N.) A New Year's resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day.

...Why don't we change that Wiki-def. up and create a group of individuals that are reforming a habit, for sure, how about we stamp this as Coffeetopia Resolutions of Resolute Resolvers. You can lay off the fingernail biting, foot tapping anxiety and join the cause!

And since it's a new decade. 20[10] why don't we polish a list of TEN resolutions:

1. Drink more coffee, drive responsibly.

2. Try our recently added lox bagel w/ a cup of your joe, if not a special espresso drink.

Oh! & don't forget the red onions (..w/ the bagel)

3. Still feening for the energy? Really craving a low-calorie latte? Why not try a short version of your latte drink with NF milk? (Sorry our soy technology is not up to speed quite, yet)

Short basically exudes the tipping of your toes in the antartic ocean during winter; hey, why not?

4. DEFINITELY try a brew bar within these 365 days! The taste, the aroma, the fabric of our experiences...oh your first brew bar, may be a re-tendered love of a brew bar will be a razzle-dazzle type of an experience! I guarantee it.

5. Have a smoothie. They are all non-dairy, and all natural. I would highly recommend an Acai Smoothie since it's loaded with antioxidants. Mmm, delicious. We can also make substitutions on the fruits & liquid, no problem.

6. Just not into carbs this year? We understand, especially since those egg bagels smell so delicious. For $2.75 why not try a bageless bagel?

7. The gift of giving. Is it already that person's birthday? anniversary? celebration again? Need a quick "thoughtful" idea! I'm putting dibs on our gift cards :). They're great for all occasions and non-occasions. And we treat them like cash! Ah, to give more...:)

8. Stay and think local. We really appreciate the importance of supporting local shops. From our coffee to our bagels, right down to our pastries: Locality is key to a happy happy town.

9. Try @ least one of our special types of bagel spreads. We have your hummus, smoked tofu, plain 'ol butta, to your plain cream cheese, to your Jalapeno, Garlic Herb, and Sundried Tomatoe cream cheeses! Blended daily.

AND--for--- THE----- FINAL-e

10. Become a regular! If that means creating your own latte, making a coffee you like iced or hot, we have the resources to give you your perfect drink. Deal? Great. See you soon!

See, not all New Years Resolutions are that tedious, right? Who's with me on this one? 2010, Wheeeeeee!!!

Breve, Breve.

Clusterfck of thoughts? @ 3:24am

the following piece probably won't make sense to you, but that's okay. cause you know what? it doesn't' really make sense to me either. or it did. but just in my head? [...] just know i started writing and i refused to erase anything that came out. hence, i'd like to formally declare this piece as my "word vomit" aka free write of the night. this is pretty much me yacking out some thoughts for my sake not for yours.
---




there's been moments like these when i don't know what to write. when all the ideas i've thought of before are erased momentarily from my mind due to the fact that my mind is clouded with so much shit and clutter that i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel or how i feel i should write. or what i feel i should write about? see my mind has been on this weird tip where my ciphers can't connect. they disconnect. and most recently my gemini self has been really revealing itself in my behavior lately. most days i can't make a decision. most days i've been feeling TWO (many) feelings. i've been on this parade of thoughts i'm unsure about. one day i'm cool, the next day i'm uneasy. it's involved anything and everything that makes me. from family to friends to relationships to school to jobs to the city to SJ. i'm constantly surrounded by decisions that at one point in my life i thought i was sure about making. but most recently when i wake up the next day my decisions change again. my emotions feel different. some things i didn't give a fck about before are the things i'd be fighting for. folks i thought i didn't care for i feel a longing for. i go from feeling strong to weak to strong again. i meddle back and forth in my mind like a fcked up seesaw that never ends. then somehow when my mind is spinning it wanders in a direction that urges me to find the point in all this? the point in me worrying, wondering, thinking... the point in me making these decisions? that's when i realize that my mind seeks satisfaction in ways that i once never thought of. my mind find satisfaction in possibilities. in the future. in my future. these endless possibilties that i've only once thought of but now hope to embrace. i've been thinking a lot about this freedom i've been given after graduating. this freedom that everyone is so excited to have. but the same freedom i'm too scared to live in. with so many decisions to be made i'm beginning to feel that this freedom i've been privileged to have is something that only scares me because it allows room for doubt and fear. it leaves room for me to question what i've always been unsure of. but then that's when i begin to realize that those decisions i once made before this "freedom" arose were decisions i only concluded to because i was constrained. i didn't know better. my mind wasn't exploring. my mind was stuck. my possibilities were limited. my life was mapped out in directions i was forced to go. but now that i've been given the time, the lesson, the leeway and the opportunity to seek my options at full force it is now my chance to subsume what i truly want. to explore my thoughts. to never doubt myself but to believe that this "freedom" i've been given is to fuel me. to motivate me. to inspire me. to allow me to be the being i've always envisioned to be. the being i've only imagined to be. to embrace that image. hold it. make it happen. and constantly remind myself that every single decision that's going to be made from now on will affect the future me and all that makes me... only for the better.