In my three years of living in this town.

In this town, i've learned...

That communities of any types are incestuous, and the one i sadly identified with for three years truly causes those nearest to them the most pain and anguish. But, maybe it's the comfort. The comfort of a shared identity and thus approaching that area really can't be breeched. [I super apologize, I haven't slept in the past 3 days]. What I mean is, I've learned to live in co-dependency, comfort, free loving, and being fucked up the majority of the time. Where I understand this and how I prepared my liver/soul for it-i really don't know.

There is no need of other people, and the feeling of being lonely that most of us try to evade really is just a healthy aspect of being human-it it really needs to be felt, rather than pushed away, or repressed. I would say that I've been "alone" for almost two, maybe three months now. Sometimes, having a few hours with those I find closeness, too--but truly, alone. And in those moments, the most heaviest of the burdens seemed to be lifted. If you ask me, and how that works. I'm about to tell you.

To feel everyone emotion, to the beginning and end of it-and to repressed it is truly a struggle, and takes immense motivation and strength. For once, I dropped everything around me, sadly, those I loved, similar habits/beliefs/attitudes and aggressions. I let it go, first reluctant--but once I found the swing in all the fucking loss...I gained the most extraordinary realizations. (I may be too late, perhaps too early-but we all go through diff. phases at diff. times).

I learned that many people will not understand who you are. That love in the form of another human is truly not the answer to the inadequacies of neglect of our development stages back in the day. I've acknowledged that the ones whom you view super sincere/close with/etc. are probably going to be super frank with you-but at the same time, it does not mean they're always right. THERE ARE partial truths to everything. Those you respect can lose your respect if you allow it to be lost, but also, those you respect can lose their own respect in their regards. We as young minds have this tendency to internalize every god damn thing, because we've been raised on this rigid understanding of individualism. Really, come on, we're all part of a community and we're still trying really hard to be 'different' from one another. We are so fucking sensitive. If you don't go agree with me, that's fine, this is just what I've come to notice in my time here. I've also accepted that, those who project their emotions onto you are truly just projecting them. Don't take them so fucking personally. It will be okay.

No matter how many times you try to surround yourself with good people, or try really hard to live a simple, easy, optimistic life-people will fuck it up. Situations will arise, and suffering seriously is inevitable.

Most of all, through this loneliness I've learned that I'm not alone. Because I'm here. My head is here. My heart is still beating, and I can still and feel my body. Being by yourself doesn't mean your lonely- we tend to forget that we need to love ourselves.

Many situations and people will hurt the motherfucking shit out of you, and to gravitate towards someone else to fix those weary woes won't really fucking fix anything but cover that shit up temporarily. I don't know if you've noticed this, but...shit catches up. In super forms...mostly emotions. You know those "triggers"--i get them all the time, because I never gave myself the time to heal. ...To heal. We're human, we hurt, we wound ourselves, and others wound us--why not heal?

My homie, lyn, gave me a piece of advice that changed my life-and truly put me in my place of bliss at this very moment. It's the idea of being "ready". No one is going to tell you the right things when you truly need to hear something, or put you in your place....Yeah, anyone could be going through denial, and you could fucking hating someone--but it doesn't matter. I've learned that if you're not ready to be in a situation then you're simply not ready. So fuck the "get over your shit", "they have their shit together-it's you", "that's hella drama", and or "can't you just communicate?" In reality---if you communicate that you need space from certain situations, the likelihood is it's not going to respected. Which is why, i repeat--You have to do things for yourself, and You have to do things when YOU ARE READY. There is no, "I've been there before"..."I think I'm ready"....you legitly have to be ready. that is right, I'm a feminist. blah that term- legitly is now a word I have coined out of my ass.

And you know what. People are resilient. Everyone has drama--and people fucking fight and argue and act like enemies. In the end, be fucking careful, and I hate to sound cliche, but don't be an idiot and pick sides, because I'm telling you, "everything comes full circle"-caity. Remember those girls you banded with because that boy fucked all of you over.... the likihood that one of them will be his best friend/fiance in the future.... is pretty motherfucking likely.

I've also learned the feeling of anger, and hate. And the fucked up understandings of "violence" and what not. Honestly, if you're angry- be fucking angry. I'm telling you right now. You have every fucking right to be angry. Just try not to kill someone, if you want to beat someone-I'm not even putting my two cents in. Why? Because, as a country that is so anti-fucking domestic violence............. we're not taught to deal with angry in a productive manner. We're told to communicate, maybe even fucking molded to communicate but in reality...what the fuck do you do with anger. Slapping a bitch, or a ho isn't uncommon. I mean, we fuck each other, and spank each other's asses. Just because it isn't seen doesn't mean the physical trauma/force isn't there. See how perceptions are skewed.

Just like doing cocaine. "one snort will kill you" Where did you learn that from? The media? your parents? And of course weed will make you stupid, and alcohol will smack you upside the head and leave you brainless. Please. We are so focused on what is not legit, and what is not natural that we forget that we need to question our stances, our perceptions about things--because our knowledge isn't static and new theories/understandings/studies come out every fucking second, more times over than a fucking new born baby.

You know why I wrote this? Because I'm fucking brown in a town who views itself as diverse because there are queers, punks, straights, coloreds, homesless..basically a plethora of identities. All right, im not going to argue the diversity of this school--because once again, I'm bias. I grew up In San Jose--but what I'm going to tell you is this. THERE IS NO PLACE LIKE THE BAY AREA--being poor in the bay area is a fucking privilege in itself.

But let me tell you something, and I'm not trying to victimize myself because "I'm colored" but seriously, bitches really don't get it. Not everyone grows up with someone fucking taking care of their shit, and I don't care if you have no say in your parents paying for a 'minute maid'. You should be paying them well above $10 for doing your motherfucking bitch work you lazy ass motherfucker(s). I'm sorry you're busy making monies---to buy a new car, or new real estate, and or stock. SHUT THE FUCK UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. AND SHUT THE FUCK UP.

The point is, I'm not going to argue with anyone about why I'm angry, or why I have suddenly become prejudice/racist in the past 48 hours. Nor, am I going to bitch people out for being passive-aggressive or a hypocrite, because that is what humans are. Notice that I say what and not who. If this world is to self-destruct it's our fault. And for those who want to commit suicide by any means, go ahead.

Really now, really.... I like my coffee iced.

to be continued.