let the overwhelming begin.

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”

- Chuck Palahniuk

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Spring semester starts in approximately 3 days and i'm trippin. ever since one of my classes got cancelled, i've been on the lookout to see which classes would open up. the program i'm in right now is packed. all the classes i could take for my major are all closed and the only way to get into them would be to show up on the first day of class with luck on my side or to personally email the teacher begging them to let me in.

i did neither.

instead, i talked to my advisor of the department letting him know i was pretty screwed for this semester cause i was really hoping to take that class. and now that it was cancelled, my units are messed up. but he reassured me that i have absolutely nothing to worry about, that he'd do the best he could to enroll me in one of the closed classes. so after much deliberation and discussion, he chose a class for me. he looked straight into my eyes and said, "i think you're ready. i'm gonna sign you up for this honors seminar. i'm emailing the teacher right now."

the only thing that went through my mind was "um, i guess?"

it's a little intimidating considering the word "honors" is plastered in front of the course title. i mean, i've taken honors + AP courses before, but c'mon that was high school. so to take one in college? shit can't be easy. i imagine it to be filled with 20 page papers, 4 hours of discussion, and documentary films i have to analyze and somehow create within only weeks of research. it's intimidating... especially since i spoke to the teacher through email. she sent me a personal email in regards to the class telling me she's happy to have me with an attachment of the letter she sent to students who were already enrolled in the class. and i figure after reading that letter, this class seemed like an "invitation only" seminar. meaning, i assume she chose these students to be in her class. she hand-picked them for whatever reason.

and me? am i just the lucky girl who got in because they "think" i can handle it? i may be trippin and overlooking this, but i'm feeling the overwhelming rush come at me already.

don't get me wrong though, i feel extremely honored to be able to take the class. i feel great that they have so much confidence in me to take the class, that they put that kind of trust in me. i feel priveleged. but i also feel the challenge ahead of me. i feel like i have to step it up and step outside of my box in order to pass this class -- in order to prove myself. pretty sure i know the folks enrolled are out of my league and are probably the classmates i've already had who intimidate the hell out of me. ugh. but fck it, right? it's about time i suck it up and speak up. #$%^&*#@!!!!

and yep, Barrio's coming up too, i figure this semester is gonna be a killer. fkn' kill me. i have just 3 more days... and my freedom is over for awhile.

good riddance.