Taboo

After speaking with a good friend of mine over some tea, I'm convinced that I need to be more honest with not only the situations surrounding me, but be more honest with myself as well. I need to express myself the way I've always wanted to. I need to face the inevitable issues I choose to ignore and confront my demons. I need to fully communicate my mind and tell my heart to let go.

Good morning

Disrupted sleep. That's currently my situation.

Slept around 3am and I wasn't planning on starting my day till around 10am. But here it is 4 hours later and I'm wide awake. My mind feels heavy and my stomach is fckn growling. It's pleading for some attention. Some food to mouth action. Some fckn carbs. All my mind is telling me to do right now is eat a huge ass breakfast. Pancakes, some butter and toast, some OJ, cereal on the side and maybe some hash browns. I want allathat and s'more on a muthafuggin' ihop menu.

This is what happens when you sleep with an empty stomach, you wake up in mid-dream with fatty cravings.

I wanna write brave words to fight fear

Talib Kweli - "Stand to the Side"

I wanna write away
I wanna write here
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Write dreams and nightmares
Might scare the folks stuck in the day
But nothing to say,
Well I'm way ahead by light years
So beware we keep the lights on
I wanna write the songs from right to wrong
Right on
Riding the light so you see in the dark
So deep you gotta be still like your beating heart
My words apply the pressure to make the bleeding stop
See the art, living right, eating smart
I wanna right to life, a right to death
Police read your rights from right to left
But I never write to remain silent
I fight through police line
Cops walk the beat that I write to
I teach minds, write rhymes with the right sound
Right now, journalists write up
I write down

ADD writing disease

I'm going through this weird feeling right now where I feel like my head is about to explode. My thoughts are racing in between different ideas all while my fingertips are trying to keep up. It's as if I have a million things I want to write about but I don't know where to start first.

Sometimes I'll start on one subject, write a few then I digress. I go off on this tangent and I write about something else. Then that something else will trigger another thought which will trigger another a few sentences later. Next thing you know I've started 3-4 drafts of all the ideas I had in my head, but with nothing to show for because none of them have fully developed into a clear thought or concept.

This shit happens to me a lot.

As a result I'm thinking I might have a slight case of ADD when I write... or maybe I just get too excited when I write? Either way I need to calm the fck down and just DO IT.

Begin

Fate can only get you to where you're bound to be. Once you're there it's up to you to make it all happen.

Up + Inception = WIN.

Mash two of my most favorite recent films and you get me ugly laughing <3.

Note to Self #21:

Elevate yourself: intellectually, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Every day.

FE+ encore

Thanks to my bests I'm going to see my favorite hip-hop duo, Foreign Exchange tonight. Again. (!!!) Best believe I'm just as excited to see them a second time around as I was when I first saw them. They (along with Yahzarah, Darien Brockington, and Zo!) are shooo good live that I recommend anyone who loves jazz, hip-hop, chill beats and a live band to go see them perform sometime in your lifetime.

My only request this time around is that they'll play a little more from their Connected album. You know at least this song:



*happy two step*

One up

it feels good to run solo without worry
without the picture of your face invading visions in my head
and your name in my stories

my tongue free of storytelling regrets
speaking words without bitter tones
and uncertainty in my emotions

priorities finally in tact
doing nothing but thinking bout myself for once
and only concerned with what my own body's doing

neglecting it all
not trying to fix what happened
feeling indifferent
erasing the memories we made
numbing my feelings
using each new day for healing

recognizing that I can’t dwell anymore
but live the life I intended to before I met you

Cherry blossom pop tarts

Funny story about pop tarts. Y'all are gonna think I'm on one.

A couple months ago my best friend and I were visiting one of the boutiques downtown. She was getting her bike fixed while I was just there for the ride. So while she was looking at parts to buy, I did my thing and quietly seeped through the magazines near the couch in front of me. I did my usual scrummage. I went through a couple hipster magazines, a couple of hypebeast magazines, some local, some global and some strictly underground. I was looking through them ALL trying to suck in all the trendy-independent-stylish zines produced by Tastemakers to somehow load up on inspiration for my future project(s). I went through four or so magazines soaking in all I could to fuel my juices.

As I was looking through my fourth magazine I came across this picture that I thought was kinda nice. For some reason I thought it looked neat. The white background, the simple texture of the photo, the broken object in the middle, the clean look, the lighting - everything. At first glance, I thought the artwork looked pretty cool, especially since I was caught off guard by the picture of a cherry blossom tree in the middle. Centered amidst the plain background of the photo was this cherry blossom tree with roots so defined (sidenote: idk if y'all know i love trees, but winter trees w/out leaves & bare stems are my favorite), I wanted to rip the piece out of the magazine and take it home with me. I was just diggin' how the image was atypical. The cherry blossom tree looked like it had been painted on tile then stepped on or ran over. The piece looked broken. It looked like the artist who created it painted a cherry blossom tree on cement and smashed it into pieces leaving the aesthetics to look brittle and fragile.

And I was drawn to that. My eyes were eating it up. There was just something about the way the artist painted this whole piece that attracted me. The way he created it then destroyed it. The way a whole piece transformed into several little pieces. The way the little pieces took on a different role against the whole. The way the cherry blossom tree channeled imperfection. All of it amazed me for me some reason. So to share in my enthusiasm, I showed it to my best friend and I told her "Doesn't this cherry blossom tree look cool?!" Then she gave me this weird look and starts laughing. In my head, I'm like "Wtf?" as she proceeds to laugh and says,"Uh... Aileen, that's not a tree. That's a cracked strawberry pop tart. hahaha"

Instantly my vision... shattered. *cue broken glass sounds*

I fckn grab the magazine, tilt my head to the side and squint my left eye when it hit me... IT WAS A FCKN POP TART. How the fck did I misconstrue the picture to look like a cherry blossom tree? I swear I saw naked roots. I saw branches. I saw flowers. I swear even at one point I believed the tree looked similar to the cherry blossom trees Sam Flores would paint. But a fckn pop tart? Obviously my eyes interpreted the photo differently. The way I saw every crack in the pop tart, I envisioned to be roots from a naked tree. And the cherry blossoms? I thought the pink sprinkles on top were pink flowers.

Can you see it? Haha, clearly I was moded when I looked at the photo. Obviously, this is a sign I need thicker glasses. And yes, maybe this is evident that my imagination works overtime? But my best friend describes me best when she says, "damn, you have a crazy vision."

To this day I truly can't stare at a a cracked pop tart the same way anymore. And I'm okay with that.

#nowplaying: Kings of Convenience - "Love is no big truth"

Fresh meat: 2005

I was looking through my photobucket albums and this is what I found:



It's a picture of Kim and I in our old dorm room, Hayes-Healy #603. This was our first week in college. Look how precious we were. mwahahaha.

sidenote: I have no idea what we're doing in the picture. Exercising maybe? Stretching? Dancing?