DEEP FRIED FUNK

FYI

2011-02-09T00:13:00.000-08:00

http://12thofjune.wordpress.com
http://12thofjune.wordpress.com

http://12thofjune.wordpress.com

Update yo bookmarks (for now)...

2010-11-13T16:47:00.001-08:00

I'm taking a break from Deep Fried Funk for a little a while. Trying to consolidate all the many blogs I write for thus forcing this one to be on hiatus for a bit. But don't think DFF is dead. I could never kill it. So check back again in the next month. DFF will hopefully be given that face lift she desires.

Until then head over to 12th of June - my new wordpress for the time being. I'll be writing on there til I can get this magazine project finally up and running.

Slim pickins, Gemini.

2010-09-26T01:20:00.000-07:00

What I wanted is what I got. And now that I have it, I don't know what to do with it.

Random thought...

2010-09-18T02:48:00.000-07:00

...But why the fck didn't we have a bonfire this year?!

These were epic.

Was, has been, am, is

2010-09-11T16:22:00.000-07:00

A year ago, I was this person.

I was optimistic, energetic, and full of life. My mental state fed off of self-inflicted positivity and no one could shake me. I possessed feet that never rested and eyes that never shut. “Sleep can happen when I’m dead,” I used to tell myself. Cause in my mind, I never needed to be asleep to dream. Instead I believed if I stayed awake my dreams would alter into my reality.

I had a vision and I was never blinded. I was hopeful, but not naive. I deemed myself prideful but humble in many ways. Through the interactions with the folks around me to mishaps within my family to the changes before me, life always knew how to balance me. It didn’t matter how many curve balls came my way, or how many signs pointed left or right, I never felt lost. I never needed a map. I had my own direction. My heart knew where to lead and my body always knew where follow. And rarely did I ever allow hesitation or fear of failing get in the way of my path. I just always kept my head up, kept moving and kept pace.

I was in constant movement.

Moving whether my momentum shifted me forward or kept me in a limbo between my present and future, I kept pace. And I kept pace amidst ever-changing environments. Every new challenge, every new situation, every new person I came across, I trusted myself to adapt to it all. I stood my ground and embraced the universe surrounding me. I knew how to trust the changes happening. And I knew how to trust myself.

But fast forward to the present and I’m no where near this same person I was. I’m far from the universe I used to live in.

Here I stand still, confused, unable to decipher what my next move will be. Here I am among those same signs, in which point toward possible futures, but fear and hesitation stand in the way of my path. Instead now I stand still between my present and the haziness of my future hoping that somehow, someway this person I used to be a year ago will soon be this person I am today.

Throwback Thursday(s): Chief Rocka

2010-09-09T12:48:00.000-07:00

But they don't understand how I feel bout the funk. I walk with the funk. I talk with the funk. I eat with the funk. I sleep with the funk. I live for the funk. I die for the funk.

Work space

2010-09-09T03:05:00.001-07:00

The outcome and overall quality of my writing relies heavily on the environment that I'm in.

Open space = open mind.
Clutter = writer's block.

Just how it is.

Recipe for hungry minds:

2010-09-08T01:31:00.000-07:00

Make (create), meditate (marinate), and enjoy (indulge).

Food for your soul, soul for thought:
Feed(ing) knowledge. Fuel(ing) growth.

---
*Noted: 6/17/10
Just something random Mel & I thought up while we were talking on the phone.

"Visual Volumes" by. Jason Angeles

2010-09-05T00:28:00.001-07:00

This past Wednesday (Sept. 1) my homie, Jason Angeles published his first photography project titled: Visual Volumes, a 70-page composition of his latest work as a freshly acclaimed photographer (and graphic designer). This project features portraits of different individuals stemming from all over the Bay Area network. From SJ to SF, each photo encapsulates a different scene aesthetic complimenting Jason's vision.

To sum it up: Every inch of this book truly illustrates the capacity of his imagination.

Below is the piece I wrote for this project alone. It revolves around the title I created for him. You can find this featured in the intro of his book.

Visual Volumes (August 18, 2010):

"In creation to the volumes of our vision, we seek a universe where our creativity comfortably illuminates the art our mind cultivates. Whether the art form we see is just a mindfield of our own imagination or a mere projection of our ambiguity, our perception is captivated by the endless possibilities of our chosen lenses." (c) Aileen Pagdanganan

(click the photo above for more pictures)

Again special thanks to Jason for allowing my words and I to be apart of this project. You're on your way to doing amazing things, bruh. I'm sure this is just one of many future projects to come. DFF 2.0 perhaps?!

---
Take a peek at all the photos here.
Purchase the book here.

Wondering if a face that wears a smile like yours has ever heard a "no" before

2010-09-05T00:00:00.001-07:00

A couple days ago (#latepass), The Foreign Exchange released "Maybe She'll Dream of Me," the lead single off their 3rd full-length album, "Authenticity" that is soon to drop on October 12.

(click the pic above for the free download - via +FE Official Website)

Being a huge fan of their work (as a duo and as individuals), best believe I was psyched yet again to hear a new track off their upcoming project. The way this duo continues to stay on their grind, and maintain a place above continues to amazes me. By dropping this synth-driven groove tastefully... they done did it again. Because again, it evokes my anticipation*. I really can't help but leave the first track that's released on repeat until the project drops completely. I can't.

---

*I loved the promo for LIAB:

(Un)productive

2010-08-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like the whole day all I've been trying to do is find a song to help me get going.

See I have this tendency to rely on music to get me moving. Literally. When I wake up, the first thing I do is head straight to my iTunes to put something on and I leave it on till I'm done getting ready. Then when I head out the door, the mixtape continues as I grab my iPod and start listening to each track till I get to my destination. Now this internal playlist of mine continues to throughout the day never really allowing my ears to stop playing my own music until I hit places where I don't need it. For instance, I figure the only time I'm really not listening to music are in situations where I'm doing something with either music already playing or when I'm interacting with other folks and all I wanna do is listen to them. But other than those moments I somehow always have a soundtrack playing throughout my day, which is something I've become accustomed to. It's my habit where I imagine every action I make on a daily is parallel to a beat. As if the soundwaves from my headphones evoke my every movement so effortlessly.

So when I can't find a song to help me get through a day... that's when you know I haven't done shit. (It's like I'm a fkn robot! haha) Today I'm having one of those moments where I can't choose a song or even a beat my ears are satisfied with. Nothing I've heard today has provoked any kind of movement. It's been a stale Monday and the only thing I've heard are show tunes from everything on my tube. As a result - I've wasted today as a couch potato.

I guess I need new music.

You only want me cause I don't want you back

2010-08-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

I was diggin' this video until the dude on the toilet stood up and walked straight outta the door WITHOUT washing his hands. *cringe* haha

Note to Self #4: Life be beauts

2010-08-27T11:46:00.000-07:00

Life IS beautiful. Just gotta be mindful to keep balance. Keep the good folks, good vibes and good music in your presence and it’ll stay beautiful.

(via fckminetoo)

Playback: April 21, 2010

2010-08-27T11:36:00.000-07:00

Where I was 4 months ago...

I’d like to think I’m getting used to living back in here.

I mean I’m not crying anymore wishing I were somewhere else and each day I’m learning how to deal with my inevitable situation. Plus it’s almost been a month and amidst the month I’ve been here, I think I’ve become a little stronger? I classify dry cheeks as a good indication that I’m getting by.

But still there are some moments where I’ll slip, I’ll get weak and long for San Francisco again. I’ll wake up one morning and forget I’m in SJ. My mind will go on this mad trip wanting to believe I’m just dreaming.

Though eventually reality quickly hits as I glance out my window for a second. There I see nothing but bushes, flowers, and an empty sidewalk corroding my vision. Instead of feeling peaceful among this image, I’m instead thrown back into withdrawal – me wanting to be back in the city.

I’ve had mornings like this. But this morning was slightly different.

I woke up feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I woke up with the intention of leaving SJ, whether momentarily or permanently, my heart felt like leaving. And for no other reason than to just be in the presence of the city, my body wanted to relocate itself for that moment. I had this sudden urge to hear the city traffic, to feel the wind in my face, to feel the rush on the streets. My state of withdrawal was deep. All my senses were reflective of a bad case of nostalgia. My nose could smell the streets, my eyes could see the MUNI, and my body could feel the fog.

Physically I was in SJ, mentally I was in the city. I couldn’t connect the two as if at this moment I didn’t want to. As if my heart made a decision to stay this way and will continue to feel this way until I’m back.

It’s a bittersweet feeling, really. But more so a vicious cycle I’m stuck in.
---
04-21-10

Lose in love, we lost some

2010-08-26T16:39:00.000-07:00

Yesterday the folks at okayplayer released Carlitta Durand's first solo music video for her track titled "Lost Love" feat. Jabee from The Doug & Patty EP; a project that originally dropped last year. Watch the vid below:

Carlitta Durand - Lost love feat. Jabee from BECAUSEUS on Vimeo.

I've had this project since it first came out and it's never really stopped rotating for me. Ever since I first downloaded it I've been giving it some heavy love. So if you haven't already cop the EP, do so here. If you grew up in the 90s like myself, I'm sure you'd appreciate this take on the Doug Funny & Patty Mayonnaise's love story. Enjoy.

The War

2010-08-22T11:36:00.000-07:00

"I just wanted to be at peace with you and if I gotta settle for a piece of you then I gotta say peace to you." - Wale

RE: Strangers (II)

2010-08-19T14:54:00.000-07:00

I'm hungry for some real human connection.

For speech with real substance, where a conversation doesn't always have to lead with what happened last night or what drama started this morning. I'm feenin' for some straight verbal exchange provoking thoughts we've never come across and thoughts we never thought of without this encounter. I want to talk news. I want to talk literature. I want to talk music. I want to talk about life. I want hear to hear your story. I want to hear you. Educate me on your views. Allow me to see the other side. Enrich my being. But do so in away without the necessity of mentioning bullshit actions or our faulty past to engage me.

I want a real connection between you and I...

where our exchange can trigger a trend of words and lines of emotions fueling a dialogue that'll challenge me, but leave me inspired and motivated. Where we speak with honest tones and create a dialogue beyond fear, worry and hesitation. Where it's simply only our minds doing the talking.

Lazy no more, DFF is due for a facelift!

2010-08-19T14:00:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven't written anything here in a fat minute. Everything I've posted within the past few months have been past poetry, music, and pictures - anything and everything to depict my life in any way other than an actual update in written form. While I love doing all of that I don't think it's fulfilling enough. I mean at least for a writer it isn't.

So today I promise myself I'll use this blog more wisely, more efficiently and actually input some substance on here. Maybe I'll start talking about my future projects, collaborations, ideas? Who knows? But I know that somehow I gotta transform DFF into a "portfolio" or some kind of reference cause I'm sure with what I wanna do in the future, if I give DFF a facelift now it'll help me in the long run.

Riiiight?

I'm in the process of doing this...

2010-08-19T13:53:00.000-07:00

Trust.

Monday & Tuesday

2010-08-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

My yesterday...

consisted of a 6-7hr skype hang out sesh with my Gem counterpart. While we probably could've been doing something with the outside world, we instead chose to reminisce about past crushes, past haircuts, past drunken nights, past relationships via photo albums on FB. With every photo we sent each other, we spilled a bucket of nostalgia (and sometimes metaphoric yack) all over our laptops. From "regrets" to bearded women to dudes we probably shouldn't have (...) we were reminiscing about the times that made us who we are today and laughing about it.On top of that we ate dinner together (we're nerds, I know. And I'm sure if you're following either one of us on Twitter, you saw it all happen in real time) and caught up on the present.

So you see? This is what happens when one of your good friends is thrown back to Los Angeles and is nowhere near you - you end up working with what you got to make the distance feel non-existent. And I know even though y'all are probably are thinking we just "wasted" our day leaving our laptops on - we really didn't. I wouldn't trade in yesterday for a night out at all cause for once life actually felt like it never changed - it actually felt easy again.

But today is a different story...

Today's gonna look the opposite cause the theme for Tuesday is... PRODUCTIVITY!

Carry on

2010-08-13T21:45:00.000-07:00

I'd like to introduce you to...

2010-08-13T20:56:00.001-07:00

My new roommate, Mikka :)

(Doesn't she look like she's smiling?!)

When my bro came home from work on Wednesday, he spontaneously brought home this 3-year old "corgimo" (a mix breed of corgi & eskimo). Cute eh? She's such an attention whore and such a huge diva though, haha. All the qualities I've never witnessed in my past pets. Most of them were pretty chill and independent. But this one? She is HELLA hyper. When I mean "hyper" I mean bouncing-off-the-walls-barking-like-crazy-chasing-her-own-tail-type-of-hyper. She barely sits still.

And if this dog knows you're not looking at her she'll do something so that you'll notice her. Last night I found her chewing on the couch just cause I was too busy reading "Eat Pray Love." She began growling once I dropped her tennis ball and picked up my book. I assume if it deters away from playing with her, she goes on a rage. So you can probably see how irritated I was when I first met her. I cherish my solitude, which is exactly what this dog hates. She hates being alone. It's only been two days and I've realized quickly that this dog can't eat, drink or sleep without someone next to her. When I'm in the bathroom she cries as if I'm never gonna come out. All this aforementioned behavior makes me believe that it probably stems from her previous owner who may have neglected her from time to time? I really don't know. Whatever the case is though Mikka's clingy.

However, I kinda don't mind that she is. Her clinginess has been keeping me balanced... to an extent. She never leaves my side and she always keeps me entertained. In addition, she's like my alarm clock, haha. Mikka makes sure I'm always awake at 8am every morning and makes it a habit that I jog with her twice a day. So if anything this dog is not only a pain in the ass, but she's serving to be a good influence on my health, haha. See? Balance.

I'm so attached already!

My summer diet in SJ

2010-08-13T10:55:00.001-07:00

I can't stop going to Japantown for shaved ice (with ice cream in the middle!).

Taboo

2010-08-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

After speaking with a good friend of mine over some tea, I'm convinced that I need to be more honest with not only the situations surrounding me, but be more honest with myself as well. I need to express myself the way I've always wanted to. I need to face the inevitable issues I choose to ignore and confront my demons. I need to fully communicate my mind and tell my heart to let go.

Good morning

2010-08-08T07:23:00.001-07:00

Disrupted sleep. That's currently my situation.

Slept around 3am and I wasn't planning on starting my day till around 10am. But here it is 4 hours later and I'm wide awake. My mind feels heavy and my stomach is fckn growling. It's pleading for some attention. Some food to mouth action. Some fckn carbs. All my mind is telling me to do right now is eat a huge ass breakfast. Pancakes, some butter and toast, some OJ, cereal on the side and maybe some hash browns. I want allathat and s'more on a muthafuggin' ihop menu.

This is what happens when you sleep with an empty stomach, you wake up in mid-dream with fatty cravings.

I wanna write brave words to fight fear

2010-08-05T03:07:00.000-07:00

Talib Kweli - "Stand to the Side"

I wanna write away
I wanna write here
I wanna write brave words to fight fear
Write dreams and nightmares
Might scare the folks stuck in the day
But nothing to say,
Well I'm way ahead by light years
So beware we keep the lights on
I wanna write the songs from right to wrong
Right on
Riding the light so you see in the dark
So deep you gotta be still like your beating heart
My words apply the pressure to make the bleeding stop
See the art, living right, eating smart
I wanna right to life, a right to death
Police read your rights from right to left
But I never write to remain silent
I fight through police line
Cops walk the beat that I write to
I teach minds, write rhymes with the right sound
Right now, journalists write up
I write down

ADD writing disease

2010-08-05T02:30:00.000-07:00

I'm going through this weird feeling right now where I feel like my head is about to explode. My thoughts are racing in between different ideas all while my fingertips are trying to keep up. It's as if I have a million things I want to write about but I don't know where to start first.

Sometimes I'll start on one subject, write a few then I digress. I go off on this tangent and I write about something else. Then that something else will trigger another thought which will trigger another a few sentences later. Next thing you know I've started 3-4 drafts of all the ideas I had in my head, but with nothing to show for because none of them have fully developed into a clear thought or concept.

This shit happens to me a lot.

As a result I'm thinking I might have a slight case of ADD when I write... or maybe I just get too excited when I write? Either way I need to calm the fck down and just DO IT.

Begin

2010-08-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

Fate can only get you to where you're bound to be. Once you're there it's up to you to make it all happen.

Up + Inception = WIN.

2010-08-01T16:13:00.001-07:00

Mash two of my most favorite recent films and you get me ugly laughing <3.

Note to Self #21:

2010-07-27T23:19:00.000-07:00

Elevate yourself: intellectually, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Every day.

FE+ encore

2010-07-22T21:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to my bests I'm going to see my favorite hip-hop duo, Foreign Exchange tonight. Again. (!!!) Best believe I'm just as excited to see them a second time around as I was when I first saw them. They (along with Yahzarah, Darien Brockington, and Zo!) are shooo good live that I recommend anyone who loves jazz, hip-hop, chill beats and a live band to go see them perform sometime in your lifetime.

My only request this time around is that they'll play a little more from their Connected album. You know at least this song:

*happy two step*

One up

2010-07-21T19:25:00.000-07:00

it feels good to run solo without worry
without the picture of your face invading visions in my head
and your name in my stories

my tongue free of storytelling regrets
speaking words without bitter tones
and uncertainty in my emotions

priorities finally in tact
doing nothing but thinking bout myself for once
and only concerned with what my own body's doing

neglecting it all
not trying to fix what happened
feeling indifferent
erasing the memories we made
numbing my feelings
using each new day for healing

recognizing that I can’t dwell anymore
but live the life I intended to before I met you

Cherry blossom pop tarts

2010-07-18T02:13:00.000-07:00

Funny story about pop tarts. Y'all are gonna think I'm on one.

A couple months ago my best friend and I were visiting one of the boutiques downtown. She was getting her bike fixed while I was just there for the ride. So while she was looking at parts to buy, I did my thing and quietly seeped through the magazines near the couch in front of me. I did my usual scrummage. I went through a couple hipster magazines, a couple of hypebeast magazines, some local, some global and some strictly underground. I was looking through them ALL trying to suck in all the trendy-independent-stylish zines produced by Tastemakers to somehow load up on inspiration for my future project(s). I went through four or so magazines soaking in all I could to fuel my juices.

As I was looking through my fourth magazine I came across this picture that I thought was kinda nice. For some reason I thought it looked neat. The white background, the simple texture of the photo, the broken object in the middle, the clean look, the lighting - everything. At first glance, I thought the artwork looked pretty cool, especially since I was caught off guard by the picture of a cherry blossom tree in the middle. Centered amidst the plain background of the photo was this cherry blossom tree with roots so defined (sidenote: idk if y'all know i love trees, but winter trees w/out leaves & bare stems are my favorite), I wanted to rip the piece out of the magazine and take it home with me. I was just diggin' how the image was atypical. The cherry blossom tree looked like it had been painted on tile then stepped on or ran over. The piece looked broken. It looked like the artist who created it painted a cherry blossom tree on cement and smashed it into pieces leaving the aesthetics to look brittle and fragile.

And I was drawn to that. My eyes were eating it up. There was just something about the way the artist painted this whole piece that attracted me. The way he created it then destroyed it. The way a whole piece transformed into several little pieces. The way the little pieces took on a different role against the whole. The way the cherry blossom tree channeled imperfection. All of it amazed me for me some reason. So to share in my enthusiasm, I showed it to my best friend and I told her "Doesn't this cherry blossom tree look cool?!" Then she gave me this weird look and starts laughing. In my head, I'm like "Wtf?" as she proceeds to laugh and says,"Uh... Aileen, that's not a tree. That's a cracked strawberry pop tart. hahaha"

Instantly my vision... shattered. *cue broken glass sounds*

I fckn grab the magazine, tilt my head to the side and squint my left eye when it hit me... IT WAS A FCKN POP TART. How the fck did I misconstrue the picture to look like a cherry blossom tree? I swear I saw naked roots. I saw branches. I saw flowers. I swear even at one point I believed the tree looked similar to the cherry blossom trees Sam Flores would paint. But a fckn pop tart? Obviously my eyes interpreted the photo differently. The way I saw every crack in the pop tart, I envisioned to be roots from a naked tree. And the cherry blossoms? I thought the pink sprinkles on top were pink flowers.

Can you see it? Haha, clearly I was moded when I looked at the photo. Obviously, this is a sign I need thicker glasses. And yes, maybe this is evident that my imagination works overtime? But my best friend describes me best when she says, "damn, you have a crazy vision."

To this day I truly can't stare at a a cracked pop tart the same way anymore. And I'm okay with that.

#nowplaying: Kings of Convenience - "Love is no big truth"

2010-07-15T23:41:00.000-07:00

Fresh meat: 2005

2010-07-13T03:13:00.000-07:00

I was looking through my photobucket albums and this is what I found:

It's a picture of Kim and I in our old dorm room, Hayes-Healy #603. This was our first week in college. Look how precious we were. mwahahaha.

sidenote: I have no idea what we're doing in the picture. Exercising maybe? Stretching? Dancing?

For us.

2010-07-12T23:15:00.001-07:00

Squash it and make way for plus signs. We’ll live easier that way. #jussaying

Note to Self #10:

2010-07-11T00:30:00.001-07:00

"If you ignore what's in your heart, it's pointless to use your mind."

Kick Push

2010-06-29T04:51:00.000-07:00

The main thing I love about summers in San Jose are summer nights in San Jose. The weather couldn't be anymore perfect.

Hi you.

2010-06-28T04:21:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since we’ve talked. It’s been days, weeks, almost months since we’ve had a decent conversation. Let alone even seen each other. All forms of communication we once used to keep in touch is (virtually) non-existent anymore. Among all the mediums that could potentially connect us both, we instead choose to ignore. Instead of picking up the phone, dialing, sending a text or an email, we refrain. We remain silent.

Cause it’s at this moment we choose to believe each other doesn’t exist.

In hindsight, we’ve erased each other. We’ve given up. We’ve become tired, tired of trying to make us work. We’ve both become so complacent and indifferent towards one another, we’ve forced ourselves to believe the connection we once had never existed; thus creating a wall between us. This wall meant to protect ourselves from our past. From our history. From our friendship. This same space we’ve built in our minds to help us heal. To help us forget. To help us believe we’ve become irrelevant in each others lives. But most of all to help us move forward without each other.

This is what time did for us. Time allowed us to separate. And in turn we’ve responded by making this conscious effort to keep safe distance between one another. As if this the only way we could fix what we’ve broken.

So here we disconnect.

Cause at this moment we’d like to believe our past speaks volumes. And in order for us to enable a future, we must distance ourselves from our present. Until need be.

Until ready.

Here I go again

2010-06-22T03:45:00.000-07:00

I've been promising myself every night that I would try to be in bed by 2am at the latest. Well I've kept that promise lately, but I should probably rephrase it to make it more beneficial for myself cause I HAVE been in bed by 2am. But still I'm not asleep till close to 4am, which defeats the whole purpose of me establishing a curfew.

My human clock is so fcked up.

Ever since I moved back to San Jose, I haven't had a decent night's rest. Okay, I lie. I have. I've had more than a decent night's rest. Sometimes it's too good actually since I've been guilty of a few 12hour snoozes. I suffer from being a lazyass, I know.

But this is no good!

It's as if me moving here has killed all my energy. My mind just doesn't wanna stay awake here. Either that or my bed here is just so comfortable I sleep through everything. That's the thing though. I'm tired of sleeping through my alarms, sleeping in till noon and oversleeping my days short. It's counter productive and not cool. It's killing my figure too (fyi: I've been eating junk food past 12am - tsk tsk).

Must. Fix. Sleeping pattern.

#nowplaying: Telekinesis - Coast of Carolina

2010-06-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

Music like this makes me miss going to local Indie shows. It makes me miss this whole scene. But more so it makes me miss the 17-year old me who was carefree.

//Sidenote: More on my take on this artist soon! http://www.telekinesismusic.com/

Antsy

2010-06-20T03:37:00.000-07:00

I don't wanna just "get by" anymore. I wanna fckn "make it."

Drafting habit.

2010-06-20T02:42:00.000-07:00

Lately whenever I've been inspired to write something interrupts my thought process. Let it be a phone call, a text, my laptop shutting down or the traffic outside my window, some force of nature always finds a way to disrupt my focus. The moment I start to really delve into my piece, my attention is shot. And the original feeling I had when I first started writing is gone. The initial drive, the fire, the overall purpose and inspiration I had when I first began to write the piece almost becomes too unfamiliar to start again.

As a result I'm left with another draft instead of a published piece. The story of my life (as of late).

It just turned 3AM and for the past two hours I've been inspired to write three different pieces. All of which I've started, but have yet to finish. If I stand corrected, I now have about 14 drafts and counting (both on here & for 12ftDwende)... that I still hope to publish. *cringes*

One Word: "Matching"

2010-06-17T02:01:00.000-07:00

synchronized and parallel
here we stand almost identical
as our bodies pose vertically
matching in weather
whether externally or internally
it’s at this moment
our beings pair peacefully

Oakland, Ca.

2010-06-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

You are beautiful. No matter what they say.

Note to self #18:

2010-06-01T01:55:00.000-07:00

Leave the city filled with quitters. Arrive at a location filled with dreamers.

Mind association, music inclination

2010-06-01T01:53:00.000-07:00

It’s a habit our mind makes.

That first moment we hear a song we haven’t heard before, our ear drums immediately capture the unfamiliar sounds into a frequency channeling our mind’s preference, triggering our tastes and honing our mind’s groove. It’s that very moment when our minds determine if we truly like a song or not upon the initial beat or rhythm. While our ears vibe off the sounds and our minds make that crucial decision, it’s our hearts that make a quick association with the rhythm of the song to the beat of our mind’s state.

042610

2010-04-30T16:55:00.001-07:00

I write. I write a lot. I write about everything my mind dreams up. Off of impulse, off of feeling, off of an initial reaction, anything that moves me, inspires me, challenges me, creates that fire in me – I write. I write when my thoughts choose to manifest my mind as silence breaks and I’m stuck in a trance of solitude. I write in peace. I write for peace. I write in pieces. I write for those whose lips are glued silent. I write when I think no one else can hear me. I write if your beat speaks to me, if lyrically each bar or each verse you took time to create moves me. I write best when I’m surrounded by beings who fuel my growth. I write for the sake of my sanity. I write without the mentality of attaining fame. I write to keep record of my living. I write for my own enjoyment. I write for comfort. I write because I love to. I write for me.

But sometimes I can’t write. I can’t write when I force myself to. I can’t write when you tell me to. I can’t write what you wrote. I can’t write like you. I can’t write when I’m left in an atmosphere haven to blank walls. I can’t write if my mind isn’t open. I can’t write if my words deem superficial. I can’t write if my words are provoked by all the wrong reasons. I can’t write if I feel suffocated. I can’t write if you don’t allow me use my own voice. I can never write for you if you don’t inspire me to.

yesterday my housemate called me a nobody.

2010-04-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

there's been a lot of tension in the house... it's like an overworked muscle waiting for recovery. i don't want to pull the subject out of context but I've graduated and worked at the same coffee shop for almost a year now.

see, my housemates are still in college. I'm in the post-grad oh not so hot in life phase right now. I know, I could be rockin' it hard, downin' all the ma'f-ckas i can handle--but I decided not to.

right now I should be in the second half of me conjuring up pre-reqs to faintly apply for grad school. which by the way, at some point i plan TO BE SOMEBODY. (sort of in the same sense as now, but a different quality of experience, a higher pay, and a closer relation to my clients, not so much the customers).

but life happened. i sort of fell into this post-grad pity party of not having a solid plan my senior year of that youthful undergrad school life...you know the party everywhere/everyday kind of thing-- instead, i decided i didn't want to do law, and that computer science wasn't my forte...that psychology wasn't the bike ride i wanted to be on. & that my "what is lost" question isn't going to help me graduate from a masters in some type of theory. oh no, no.

aside from my wallet (which was fully owned and handled by parental numbers 1 & 2) being snatched and disconnected from right under me: the true reality of a struggling economy, lack of job opportunities & growing up really drowned me.

maybe some people will tell me that i'm growing up to fast, or that i'm on a good path....whatever people have in mind they can have, say, and/or keep...but why this job means so much to me is something that has given me character, maybe a tiny ball sac, and a stepping stone onto who i plan to be.

530 wake up calls-- to prepare for the customers in order to serv[ic]e them. without that cup of addiction or daily need to get them through the day where/who would they be? my job has to mean something.

whatever reason(s) i decide to stick to my job: "because i chose 530 for my sunday, monday gigs. because the people i work with are efficient, witty, quick on their feet, seriously awesome, super layered character".

that coffeshop is where i learned to treat people--thorugh my service for others. from my words, to my hands, to my head, to my feet... i've opened, i've worked, i've cleaned, i've closed.

to choose this lifestyle wasn't an easy one . some of the things i have learned to live without were definetly a challenge to let go. & to understand the meaning of sacrafice at this age has been a journey.

see, i'm filling in my foundation for a better future because i know who and what i can be. i'm starting from the beginning so i can make a thorough finish.

i make decisions to keep them. call me commited because i'm not complaining.

...and how you called me a nobody.

No wordsmith could cure me (draft #1)

2010-04-07T15:51:00.001-07:00

see this is unhealthy
to read your poetry
as cynicism bleeds down my cheeks
in alignment
to each line you’ve composed

because cautiously
i’ve come to learn
you in my he(art)
is non-existent

Writing whatever deems my mind (ful)fill…ing.

2010-04-07T00:49:00.000-07:00

sugarcoating days. drinking tea. losing sleep. swelling eye. concealing emotions. spacing love. burning bridges. tying ropes. hanging up. calling voices. missing beings. relapsing memories. reconnecting lifelines. disconnecting habits. annihilating negatives.

letting go.

transitioning phases. growing up. silencing fear. surrounding faces. erasing frowns. provoking smiles. feeling touches. giving care. lighting sun. saving trees. channeling owls. hunting deer. treading water. breathing air. dreaming consciously. staying awake. speaking freely. listening hearts. sounding beats. running thoughts. orchestrating pieces. marinating creations. minding individuality. spilling creativity.

seeing love.

regaining (my) vision. leaving pasts. stepping away. moving forward. keeping faith. finding strength. utilizing freedom. hustlin for (my) future. procreating words. taking chances. embracing change. signing pluses. counting days. battling time. tackling life. existing.

One of my freewrites that I found written on July 4, 2006

2010-04-02T01:33:00.000-07:00

Often times we get distracted by the unnecessary, the irrelevant - things that shouldn't matter. And we never pay attention to what's right in front of us. The goodness that's just right underneath our noses. The person in front of us. The opportunity that awaits us. The obvious. Instead, we always say we want the easy way out when we always make things complicated. It's a fucking cycle. We keep searching around for what we think we want but when we get it, we think we need more. We need substance. We need reassurance. We want more excitement. We want something new. We're never satisfied. We look around for what we want, when what we want is right in our faces. And when we realize it, it's too late. Opportunities are wasted. People are gone. What could have been turns into never happening. Then what if's turn into regrets. And we're back on that cycle again, hoping to find the obvious. The easy way out. The answer we want. When in reality, we missed it because we cared too much. Or we didn't care enough when the time was right.

Goodbye 3155, See you later San Francisco.

2010-03-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

I'll be "home" again soon.

Trees, Dreams, & Déjà vu

2010-03-08T01:41:00.000-08:00

the simplicity of a living creature
amidst the son (sun) of Mother Earth
leaves (leafs) petals rooted in existence
with the breath of clouds above
embracing our dreams present
in lineage
of the sky

in creation

among the blues of heaven

[...]

Random thoughts at 3:28am

2010-02-24T03:14:00.001-08:00

1. My foolish heart loves to believe things will always find a way to change for the better. As if nothing will ever really fall apart unless it's meant to. My mind is stuck on this notion that somehow when in doubt the forces of the universe will congregate together to align my stars in sequence when the time permits worthy of the heavens' energy. Always there to replace my fear with positivity.

2. Why is it we learn only to let go only after we've been hurt so many times? Only after we've seen the worst?

3. I'd like to think every action pursued amidst human touch serves as a gesture of our inner spirits engaging an everlasting connection among true love.

4. Physically and intellectually our minds and hearts continue to grow each day. Growing in ways we never thought they'd mature to be. And as we all continue to grow, the simple connection with another being becomes a challenge. As our minds alter, our hearts become more conscious. We begin to examine our relationships with people we've cared for realizing the connection has become stronger or weaker amidst this growth. Turning to our hearts to decipher which individuals in our lives are worth growing with or growing apart.

5. Distractions are seeking to deplete our minds of the fear before us. Clothing our thoughts as a blindfold to our reality.

6. It's cheesy how I only crave for him to hold me again only after I've seen a romantic comedy. And even then it only lasts for a few minutes. Then after the credits roll, I go back to struttin' my own, keeping my guard up and never letting him back in again.

7. Collecting my thoughts in pursuit of articulating the part of my mind I keep caged.

8. Loving someone who's hurt you is the worse vice to break. I've seen it.

9. Thinking like this is fcking up my sleeping patterns, but making good poetry. Beautiful cyphers embracing peace of mind.

10. It's true. I only think like this after 3am. And I only crave 'dro when I think like this past 3am.

11. The aforementioned is an evident result of me listening to "Nothing Even Matters" - Lauryn Hill ft. D'Angelo on repeat.

Remind me to try this.

2010-02-24T02:46:00.000-08:00

Just read an article that inspired me to start meditating in the mornings. For 20mins, I'd sit in complete silence focusing on my breathing, clearing my mind and releasing my thoughts.

A simple exercise that's seen as a way to refresh your mind before the day begins to plague it.

Scatter brain

2010-02-19T03:25:00.000-08:00

I scatter my thoughts across the paper

One
Two
Three
Lines of random expression

Open for taking

Left vulnerable
Amidst unfinished thoughts
Among disconnected subjects

All piled up

In between fear
Below the insecurity
Above regret

I continue to scatter

Never fully finishing
Never fully recognizing
Never fully grapsing

How I feel

So I scatter
In nonsense

...

Love > Simplicity

2010-02-19T02:21:00.000-08:00

Bumped into this on my way off the MUNI. It kinda reminded me of what was left on this New York Subway door:

It amazes me how much individuals could value (or analyze) a simple statement only when the word: "love" is placed in it.

It's true. This one word could manipulate anything and everything so simple. From our thoughts to our actions, with this word present the purpose of everything we think of and everything we do heightens in meaning.

---
*originally written on fckminetoo.

Erykah Badu - "Jump Up In The Air"

2010-02-16T03:36:00.001-08:00

And here she goes again posting at 3:33...

I just came back from the Erykah Badu site and this time at 3:33am she compiled a short mix of media clips to formulate a message I could only come close to fully understanding if I were Badu.

From the few glimpses that I caught chopped clips from The History Channel, Obama speeches and the Olympics were just a few that were intertwined to formulate an obscure theme that provoked visuals through a unique lens. All were powerful images of some sort channeling issues and themes in the current media. Clips were dished out and exchanged throughout the video so quickly that when the clips calmed down, the video cut and transformed into a hand puppet show shown only to end the visuals all so suddenly. While seconds after this mini video is shown the "Jump In the Air" kaleidoscope video reappears.

Didn't get that? Keep up. This is the kind of material I've been watching every day at 3:33.

"As promised, Erykah Badu is sticking to the script and releasing new content at 3:33 (from various time zones) from now until the release of New Amerykah Part Two: Return of The Ankh, which will be out 3.30.2010 AD. For today's leak, we enter the Erykahlidoscope with the full version of her self-directed video "Jump Up In The Air and Stay There" featuring Bilal and Lil Wayne. Erykah has confirmed that the song does indeed have 9 other versions with 9 different emcees." (Read more on Okayplayer)

All of Badu's postings have got me highly anticipating this upcoming album. Badu never fails to amuse me. There's no doubt she is the true guru of creativity - always progressing, always moving forward with her projects, always giving us fans never what we expect and always providing us with material only Badu can dream up to create.

"Sometimes good thoughts come in chaos."

2010-02-14T15:53:00.000-08:00

Current read: The Alchemist by. Paulo Coelho

2010-02-13T01:54:00.000-08:00

Do I get slipped a late pass for this one? Cause I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't read this book yet.

When I look up on folks' favorite books on fb somehow most of my friends got this listed as #1. When I ask folks what I should read they'll tell me "anything from Paulo Coelho." And when I went to the library this book was still considered a "hot item" on the shelves. Seriously though? What's in this book that's got folks all hyped? I've even heard this author (more specifically this book) can supply stories powerful enough to change outlooks on life. Now I'd say if that were the case I had to jump on the bandwagon to see for myself if this book was worth all the talk.

So a couple of days ago I decided I needed to start a new read. And what better book to read than the one that's been mentioned to me several times? Obviously I had to try reading this myself. My curiosity was irritating me. I was beginning to wonder if this book could affect me the way other readers have been affected. Plus I needed a new book to carry around in my bag and according to my friend, Lauren this one is a perfect fit since I'm currently going through a transition/life hunt rut. Maybe this book could enlighten me a bit?

Right about now I'm only a few pages in since it had me at a slow start. For some reason I couldn't get through the first couple sentences. I had to re-read the beginning lines over and over again just to pay attention, haha. As is the case with some other books, my impatient ass had trouble getting interested. But after about 15 pages in and some character development, the story started to pick up and now I'm pretty hooked.

I'm hoping to finish this book by this weekend. Then we'll see if by this weekend this piece of literature can really have that special affect on me. I'm a skeptic till I finish it all.

ICU Smile

2010-02-08T02:58:00.000-08:00

Oh hail, iTunes shuffle for helping me rediscover this song I once had on repeat:

14kt - "ICU Smile"
This track always knew how to make me feel better when I was goin' through some rough shit. Initially upon my first listen the beats are what had me hooked. But then along came the words, the poetry and then the message that collectively put off an overall feelgood vibe that had me leaving this track on for days. When you listen to it Karla Crawford recites a poem by Christian D. Larson at the end.

"I Promise Myself" by. Christian D. Larson

To be so strong that nothing can disturb my peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person I meet.
To make all my friends feel that there is something worthwhile in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best and to expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as I am about my own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful expression at all times and give a smile to every living creature I meet.
To give so much time to improving myself that I have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
To think well of myself and to proclaim this fact to the world, not in loud words, but in great deeds.
To live in the faith that the whole world is on my side, so long as I am true to the best that is in me.
---

If this isn't some empowering/uplifting shit then I don't know what is. This shit cures me every time.

Note to Self #3:

2010-02-03T21:35:00.000-08:00

The Avila Brothers (ft. Little Brother) - "Smile"

Clockworks - throwback

2010-02-02T15:10:00.000-08:00

I was looking through my old notebooks and my old blogposts and I came across this piece I wrote about time. If you read my previous post, you'd realize I've been battling my "time with my freemind" lately so it was fitting to come across this post I'm about to share with you.

I wrote the following piece at the beginning of my sophomore year in college. I remember that night pretty clearly. It was probably my first week back at USF chillin' in my Phelan dorm room with Lib. We were both super hardcore Greys Anatomy fans way back when the shows were still on Sundays (ha! see how OG i was?) and I was so into the show that almost every monologue they recited, I wrote down or looked up after the episode. I was THAT faithful to the show (and kinda still wish I were). Anyway to my point... I can't remember exactly what happened in this episode that I watched, but all I can remember is that this was a season premiere episode where Meredith ends the scene with a monologue talking about the daily affect Time can have on us. She said:

Time flies.
Time waits for no man.
Time heals all wounds.
All any of us wants is more time.
Time to stand up.
Time to grow up.
Time to let go.
Time.

- Grey's Anatomy

And this is what I wrote immediately after hearing it.

(*FYI-sidenote: The following is probably one of my most favorite pieces I've EVER written. Can someone please inspire me to write this way again? I miss free-flowing words.)

I know most of us, if not all of us know that they can relate to this monologue. Folks have been telling me since I got back to the city that they wish they could turn back time. Others have been telling me that they wish they could instead speed up time. And as for myself, all I wish is to freeze time. Truly, I think we've all come to a point in our lives where timing means everything. There are moments in our lives we wish to relive, people we wish we still had in our lives, and changes that we wish never changed those moments. So we blame time. We blame time and say we want it to speed up. We want to get over it. As if time wasn't on our side. We blame time for all the wrong reasons. When all we want is that self reassurance that everything will get better so we wish that time never existed. We begin to wish specific moments or specific people in our lives didn't affect the being we've become today. It's as if we often find ourselves at a stand-still when times get rough. We wish times were better, never wanting to face what's in front of us. Leaving us to look in the past for comfort never wanting to distance ourselves away from the familiar. Never allowing ourselves to move forward towards the future. So we stay still. Never wanting anything to harm us, touch us, or affect us. Leaving us to hold onto what's comfortable and blaming what's not.

I admit it, I'm learning. I'm learning the hard way that with all the time in the world, there's only one thing I can do for myself and that is to accept the changes that are taking place. I have to live my life regardless of those times I wish never happened and live off of those that did. I have to let go. Because with all the time in the world there's no time for that. We just gotta live, adapt, and cherish what time we do have.

- "Clockworks," September 24, 2006

Now imagine me re-reading this now... it's like my wake up call. I wrote this almost four years ago and time is still very much relevant to me as it was back than it is to me now. Reading this piece has just reminded me that I just need to embrace this free time and allow myself to heal within this time I do have.

No more wasting it.

I love waking up to texts.

2010-02-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

But what's even better than receiving a "Good morning" text is when someone chooses to share a piece of literature or poetry with you to start the day. A homie of mine (my tea parallel) that I caught up with a couple nights before sent me the following quote hoping to inspire me somehow. It channels the discussion we were having over this transition, this altering point, this form of change and growth that I'm still trying to grasp and hone positively in my life. She knew I've been stuck in this mad funk of uncertainty where I've been battling time and my free mind admist this lifestyle I haven't fully adjusted to yet. I told her I've been in this constant battle between what I want, what I need, who I want, and who I need; every day trying to decipher what I feel truly belongs in my life right now, trying to embrace this environment I'm placed in, trying to find my ground amidst all this confusion.

So in response to all that I told her, she sent me this piece below through text hoping these words would bring life to me.

"Am I brave enough to grow by risking all that I trust and believe and leap into the unknown with no fear of falling as we must touch the ground regularly anyway? If you can't do that then you have might as well not have the blessing. It's like questioning God why did I receive this gift. Why am I burning blurring my knowing with doubt. The sun shines brightly. Bring shades."

- Martin Luther, Rebel Soul

Thanks for this, JAT.

Caught.

2010-02-01T14:09:00.000-08:00

Him: Leenie! How have you been?
Me: Good. You?
Him: Liar. Tell me what's wrong.
Me: *signs off*
Him: hahahahaha

cycling.

2010-01-31T10:18:00.001-08:00

i get these random spurts of free flowing thoughts in my mind that provoke me to write all that's inside me. but then when i begin, i realize i can't make sense of it all. piecing together these thoughts and motions in my mind become unclear. and then.... i stop.

and i have to start all over again. and wait for that energy to come back to fuel me. inspire me. somehow provoke me to try to write again.

what a vicious cycle.

Note to self #5:

2010-01-28T04:06:00.001-08:00

Continue to surround yourself with individuals who fuel your growth.

All signs point forward.

2010-01-28T02:35:00.000-08:00

Note to Self #33:

2010-01-26T14:40:00.001-08:00

Learn to say "No." It'll hurt less than lying.

Hellz x Vans, you are MINE.

2010-01-23T20:19:00.001-08:00

I've always been faithful to Vans and since last year I've come to love Hellz-Bellz. Now the two are collaborating? Best believe I am on this hype.

Hellz X Vans from HELLZ on Vimeo.

Current annoyances:

2010-01-23T15:15:00.001-08:00

1. Post-grad life. Knew this feeling would come... transitioning is a btch ya'll. This whole "I'm trying to find myself" mantra runs through my head every day. Everyday I'm plagued with this thought every time I wake up. And it doesn't help that my days seem long as shit. Job searching is depressing. My dream of writing for a living seems so out of reach right now. I, thank the economy for being so discouraging (and picky).

2. Change. Change in my relationships with people, change in my location, change in my lifestyle, change in my emotions, change in my mood, and change in my pocket. All this is changing and I can't help it. I don't deal with the inevitable well.

3. No more loose-leaf tea. I need to buy more oolong on 6th. But I'm broke.

4. $$$. When is this never annoying? I just got myself a new credit card. I'm too scared to activate it though.

5. Muni Pass. Why you gotta be $70 a month?! I've been stuck chillin' in the Inner Richmond area cause my ass doesn't wanna pay $2 every time I ride the bus. I've been walking everywhere. I miss taking adventures around the city.

6. Him. You know who you are. I miss you, homie. I miss the knowledge, inspiration, humor and good conversation you'd bring me. I miss you being around. Where'd you go?

7. Writer's block. I'm starting to realize my choice of turning my passion into my career has become risky. More now than ever. I'm starting to realize the way I articulate my thoughts on paper hinder the way I write because I'm self-conscious. I think too much. I think too much about what I write. Before I declared "journalism" as part of my major, writing never felt this way. I never felt suffocated when I wrote. I always felt the opposite. Now my mind doesn't flow as freely anymore. Every thought I try to say never comes out the way I want it to. It's as if lately I've allowed my craft to be defined by what others. My words have been made to please my audiences instead of pleasing myself. I'm writing what they wanna hear not what I wanna say. That honest and free-flowing tone in my voice has lost it's authenticity because I've lost my ability to write for myself first. Which is why I feel I have writer's block more nowadays. Writing hasn't been that "release" for me lately. It's lost it's appeal. And I need to get it back.

8. The bi-polar weather. It's raining when I wake up then when I step outside it's sunny. Here I'm only wearing my 12FT crewneck with moccasins on. I left my umbrella at home thinking it'll stay sunny. When I make it to coffee shop the rain reappears again and this time Mother Nature brought along thunder. I'm stuck at the coffee shop with no water-proof weapons to fight back with. I have someone pick me up from the shop and when I get home it's sunny again. Wtf, bi-polar weather. You've fckd with both my head and emotions lately. Stop that.

9. My un-updated iTunes. The latest thing I added was Corinne Bailey Rae's new album: The Sea. But I've been meaning to add more to it. Any suggestions?

10. Conan. He is still a man who I consider my BFF. Now I feel like we can't hang out anymore at 11:30pm because NBC, you fckd up.

Note to self #49:

2010-01-23T13:32:00.000-08:00

Hold off on the soju shots for awhile.

7 shots in and I began to realize I was only taking shots to compliment the Korean yogurt chaser I was slowly falling in love with.
7 shots later I realized that motion wasn't such a good idea (for a lightweight).

Who the fck passes out at 10:30pm on a Friday night?

Soju, I kinda hate you now.
I am so affected by last night my head doesn't know how to nurse this bad hangover. It's. That. Bad. Pound for pound every hour. My head wants to explode.

Can I just say this though? Koreans, ya'll are hardcore. Kathy "Gangster" Lee, thanks for killing me last night. You win.

Grumpy woke up on the wrong side of the bed

2010-01-19T16:32:00.000-08:00

I hate waking up grumpy
I hate it even more when I stay grumpy
The feeling sucks
It sucks even more when the feeling stays with me throughout the day

Following me
Shadowing me
Haunting me
Like a bad horror film
Starring me and this passive aggressive anger
That just won't leave me

Closed doors my stubborn mind persists
As if nothing can shake off this feeling
Tea, music, human connection
Nor verbal sympathy could cure me
(Cause I'm fucking grumpy)

My mind made a decision to stay this way for the day
To embrace this mix of negative emotions
That I never knew I felt
Till I woke up this way

Blame it on the nightmare last night
The nightmare that seeped through my reality
Awakening my fears in the middle of the night
Then greeting me when the sun rose
With a lingering message attached with a remembrance
Of all I've been avoiding

Focusing attention
On worries I've kept refrained when my eyes are kept wide open
Only reminding me being awake is just as scary
Especially when dreams are replaced by a cycle of disconnect
Among elation lost amidst translation
Into a world that's supposed to keep me
At peace
At balance

But instead today I am left fighting
Fighting the fears and emotions kept hidden
In response to this urgent tone
This mind manifested through trance
Reminding me
Never allowing me to forget
To rid the identical worries I dream asleep
To those same worries I face awake

She took the words (write) out of my mouth.

2010-01-19T02:17:00.000-08:00

The following is a stanza off a Ruby Veridiano-Ching poem titled, "For All The Wars Inside Me" taken from her book, Miss Universe.

"Truth one.

I'm not always confident
I never know how to begin any of my poems
Wonder if I know how to use these words
Like I'm supposed to
Worry that I'm not able
Uncomfortable under pressure
Have trouble believing I'll live up to expectation
Can't even write anything for myself anymore
I've flung myself to the mercy of an audience
Attack myself as my own worst critic-
I think these days
I want to stop calling myself an artist
Just human
With faults and feelings
Like anyone
And these testaments serve as peace treaties
For all the wars
Inside me"

---

And that my friends is why she is my FAVORITE.

2010-01-18T13:02:00.000-08:00

I need more time.

Scatter brain, pick up your pieces

2010-01-18T11:32:00.001-08:00

Recollect and let flow.

I'm a Gem.

2010-01-12T03:12:00.000-08:00

This is pretty accurate.

“Gemini make very interesting and exciting friends. They like to leave their mark on everyone they meet. They are very flighty and will disappear for a long time as they meet new friends and explore new places. But when they come back, they will have new thoughts, opinions and interesting things to share and ideas to teach. Life is very interesting and fun with a Gemini friend. If you need any advice, Gemini is the one to ask. They are masters of communication and they can help you get what you need by helping you with persuasion and enthusiasm, and they give good advice too. Do not however, bog a Gemini down with all of your emotional problems, they do not want to deal with it because it depresses them and steps on their freedom if you need too much long term help, support and follow up. A Gemini friend can fill you in with the latest gossip and if you love conversation, the Gemini delivers! They are very generous with their friends, they will spend lots of time with you and share everything with you. Even though Gemini is a social butterfly, they always need time for themselves and that should be respected.”

(via Baleria - my gem twin)

so i'm trying to land this blog job...

2010-01-07T19:25:00.000-08:00

[insert static sound]

As for being in a country where my poppa and his addictive crew would run near-boiling water through burned rice to mimic the taste of coffee. I've decided that getting my socks knocked off my feet in a tin can with wings 30,000 feet in the air...that I should really get into the whole 2010 resolution dishing.

So may I repeat, very loud, through my screen to yours HAPPY NEW YEARS!!! (insert fireworks)

On a serious note, What's not exciting about flipping over that same old leaf that we can't seem to budge, and what's not exciting about trying for the umpteenth time to keep a resolution? Ha, resolutions.

According to Wiki:

A New Years Resolution (N.) A New Year's resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a project or the reforming of a habit, often a lifestyle change that is generally interpreted as advantageous. The name comes from the fact that these commitments normally go into effect on New Year's Day.

...Why don't we change that Wiki-def. up and create a group of individuals that are reforming a habit, for sure, how about we stamp this as Coffeetopia Resolutions of Resolute Resolvers. You can lay off the fingernail biting, foot tapping anxiety and join the cause!

And since it's a new decade. 20[10] why don't we polish a list of TEN resolutions:

1. Drink more coffee, drive responsibly.

2. Try our recently added lox bagel w/ a cup of your joe, if not a special espresso drink.

Oh! & don't forget the red onions (..w/ the bagel)

3. Still feening for the energy? Really craving a low-calorie latte? Why not try a short version of your latte drink with NF milk? (Sorry our soy technology is not up to speed quite, yet)

Short basically exudes the tipping of your toes in the antartic ocean during winter; hey, why not?

4. DEFINITELY try a brew bar within these 365 days! The taste, the aroma, the fabric of our experiences...oh your first brew bar, may be a re-tendered love of a brew bar will be a razzle-dazzle type of an experience! I guarantee it.

5. Have a smoothie. They are all non-dairy, and all natural. I would highly recommend an Acai Smoothie since it's loaded with antioxidants. Mmm, delicious. We can also make substitutions on the fruits & liquid, no problem. 

6. Just not into carbs this year? We understand, especially since those egg bagels smell so delicious. For $2.75 why not try a bageless bagel?

7. The gift of giving. Is it already that person's birthday? anniversary? celebration again? Need a quick "thoughtful" idea! I'm putting dibs on our gift cards :). They're great for all occasions and non-occasions. And we treat them like cash! Ah, to give more...:)

8. Stay and think local. We really appreciate the importance of supporting local shops. From our coffee to our bagels, right down to our pastries: Locality is key to a happy happy town.

9. Try @ least one of our special types of bagel spreads. We have your hummus, smoked tofu, plain 'ol butta, to your plain cream cheese, to your Jalapeno, Garlic Herb, and Sundried Tomatoe cream cheeses! Blended daily. 

AND--for--- THE----- FINAL-e

10. Become a regular! If that means creating your own latte, making a coffee you like iced or hot, we have the resources to give you your perfect drink. Deal? Great. See you soon!

See, not all New Years Resolutions are that tedious, right? Who's with me on this one? 2010, Wheeeeeee!!!

Breve, Breve.

Clusterfck of thoughts? @ 3:24am

2010-01-05T02:40:00.000-08:00

the following piece probably won't make sense to you, but that's okay. cause you know what? it doesn't' really make sense to me either. or it did. but just in my head? [...] just know i started writing and i refused to erase anything that came out. hence, i'd like to formally declare this piece as my "word vomit" aka free write of the night. this is pretty much me yacking out some thoughts for my sake not for yours.
---

there's been moments like these when i don't know what to write. when all the ideas i've thought of before are erased momentarily from my mind due to the fact that my mind is clouded with so much shit and clutter that i can't pinpoint exactly how i feel or how i feel i should write. or what i feel i should write about? see my mind has been on this weird tip where my ciphers can't connect. they disconnect. and most recently my gemini self has been really revealing itself in my behavior lately. most days i can't make a decision. most days i've been feeling TWO (many) feelings. i've been on this parade of thoughts i'm unsure about. one day i'm cool, the next day i'm uneasy. it's involved anything and everything that makes me. from family to friends to relationships to school to jobs to the city to SJ. i'm constantly surrounded by decisions that at one point in my life i thought i was sure about making. but most recently when i wake up the next day my decisions change again. my emotions feel different. some things i didn't give a fck about before are the things i'd be fighting for. folks i thought i didn't care for i feel a longing for. i go from feeling strong to weak to strong again. i meddle back and forth in my mind like a fcked up seesaw that never ends. then somehow when my mind is spinning it wanders in a direction that urges me to find the point in all this? the point in me worrying, wondering, thinking... the point in me making these decisions? that's when i realize that my mind seeks satisfaction in ways that i once never thought of. my mind find satisfaction in possibilities. in the future. in my future. these endless possibilties that i've only once thought of but now hope to embrace. i've been thinking a lot about this freedom i've been given after graduating. this freedom that everyone is so excited to have. but the same freedom i'm too scared to live in. with so many decisions to be made i'm beginning to feel that this freedom i've been privileged to have is something that only scares me because it allows room for doubt and fear. it leaves room for me to question what i've always been unsure of. but then that's when i begin to realize that those decisions i once made before this "freedom" arose were decisions i only concluded to because i was constrained. i didn't know better. my mind wasn't exploring. my mind was stuck. my possibilities were limited. my life was mapped out in directions i was forced to go. but now that i've been given the time, the lesson, the leeway and the opportunity to seek my options at full force it is now my chance to subsume what i truly want. to explore my thoughts. to never doubt myself but to believe that this "freedom" i've been given is to fuel me. to motivate me. to inspire me. to allow me to be the being i've always envisioned to be. the being i've only imagined to be. to embrace that image. hold it. make it happen. and constantly remind myself that every single decision that's going to be made from now on will affect the future me and all that makes me... only for the better.

Dear 2009,

2009-12-31T00:04:00.000-08:00

You have been my toughest teacher yet. And you know what? I hate you. I really do.

But I only hate you because you've fcked with my mind so much, I can't remember a moment when my mind was at ease. But that's how you taught me. That's how you helped me grow. Never have I been so challenged in my life till I met you. In 12 months, all the experiences I've gone through, all the ups and downs, along with the tears and happiness you brought upon me has only reassured me of the being I am today with the being I'm striving to become. You have allowed me to redeem myself from all the challenges that were faced before me. You've done so much for me that the other years have never done. You encouraged me to grow.

With all I've been through with you, I can honestly say I am now a stronger individual than I was a year ago. For that I thank you.

Now I can't wait to meet you, 2010.

Love,
Aileen

Welcome to The Mission...

2009-12-26T16:45:00.000-08:00

(via Joellene Buccat)

Hello past, meet the present

2009-12-14T22:54:00.000-08:00

Just another nice reminder for myself.

12/13 free write

2009-12-14T22:03:00.000-08:00

walked up and down these streets as if had a purpose. as if i had somewhere to go. fast-paced... on a mission. to where? all i feel is my body walking with my mind trailing. fast-paced legs, fast-paced thoughts. running. skipping. leaping from one motion to one thought ahead. moving, passing, walking through streets with the wind peacefully brushing my face. peacefully erasing my worries just for that moment. that moment where my feet take place of my mind. where my limbs take me towards a place my mind is unaware of. here, i subconsciously constantly keep pace, constantly move, so the reality standing before me can't catch up to me.

peace of mind

For me.

2009-12-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

Every time the writer's disease comes back to haunt me, I have this tendency to seek out "inspirational quotes" to get me writing again. And here's the most recent one I found:

"Writing is a form of personal freedom. It frees us from the mass identity we see in the making all around us. In the end, writer’s will write not to be outlaw heroes of some underculture but mainly to save themselves, to survive as individuals."

- Don Delillo

This serves as a remembrance to keep writing for myself not for you.

What life's been lookin like lately...

2009-12-11T22:52:00.000-08:00

Yes, that's tweetdeck on the big screen.

7 more days till graduation.
Just one more week ya'll. My palms still get sweaty every time I think about it.

Oh really now?

2009-12-08T02:21:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts strike best at 2:22am

1. I think the reason why I have trouble writing on here is because 75% of the time, I don't know how to start my entries. I think saying: "Dear Diary" or "Hello world" just won't do.

2. So I'm currently here chillin' in Parina. I'm the only one awake while my boys are sleeping on the couches. My music is blasting, people are staring and I still have 6 more articles to write. Am I trippin though? Nope. But Allen's snoring. It's okay though, it's helping me stay awake.

3. I still miss the "old" Parina, but the "new" fam isn't so bad. They make the bland lounge bearable.

4. Just finished writing a huge group poem with Vince and Sanchez. Imagine three writer's with three different mindsets honing three different writing styles all into a poem. Can you say "clusterfck?"

5. This song is helping me write through the night. I miss Aaliyah.

6. Why doesn't it feel like the holiday season yet???

7. I love my 6th floor girls. This was one of the best weekends I've had in awhile. Finally reunited with my girls, got my mind straight and pushed my worries to the side. It's only positive vibes from here.

8. It's down to 10 days till graduation. I'm scared shitless.

9. I need to order new contacts (!!!).

10. Gots myself a fresh hurrcut. So I wanna take this time to proclaim my gratitude and love for my hair stylist, Kalani. She is such a G!

11. Seriously if only Melisa's was open 24 hours, I'd be all up on that right now.

12. And if Melisa's had free Wi-Fi I'd probably live there.

13. My 12FT Dwende post was real tardy this past week. But it's up. Peep: http://12ftdwende.com/family/?p=2462 - It's about Tabi Tabi Po exhibit.

14. After this rough week I've been reminded that I have the most forgiving, patient, caring and down ass group of homies around.

15. I want to visit that coffee shop in Little Italy again. I'm craving for a new atmosphere when I write.

16. I've been keeping my family and your family in my prayers. We're gonna get by, baby girl. We stay up, we only get stronger.

17. Note to self: time alone permits self-reflection that is needed and healthy when recovering from an emotional week.

18. When life gets rough and shit hits the fan, keep folks closer instead of pushing them away.

19. It's all about BALANCE. Balance with friendships, family, school and life in general. The overall key to keeping me happy.

20. I'm screwed for tomorrow... err today.

Hey, shit happens

2009-12-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

"All you can be is just you cause you're real not the plastic type. But reality sets and you're stuck in this plastic life. Why the tears? We're all here for you. But I know how you feel, I know how you feel and I do care."

N.E.R.D. - "Breakout"

Free My Writers Block

2009-12-01T04:27:00.000-08:00

I manifest the power of my words
Reinventing every sound and syllable I create
With my lips ripped open
Freed of silence
To speak my mind
To verbalize
To write

To utilize the language given to me
Placed upon me to create
Those complex into simple existence

Here I communicate
Reverberate the sounds of language
Piecing together lines and lines of emotions once kept inside
Released into paragraphs of positive expression

Here I imagine
I imagine the world instead filtered in translation
With beings embracing tongues
With the power of conversation

In collaboration of minds ensuing positive action
Exchanging knowledge
Articulating what's left unspoken

Here I write
Here I manifest my words for the sake of them becoming
Exercising my right to free my mind
In a society where the root of our words are often forgotten

So I fight
I fight to give life to our words
Through thoughts triggering my fingertips
From fine pen dripping on paper
I finally allow my mind to flow in liberation

Giving myself that self power to create
And kill the fear hidden behind each word I've felt
In order to keep my writing alive
And my mind sane

Is this a sign?!

2009-11-30T02:57:00.000-08:00

If you know me you've heard me talk about this deep fascination I have with the East Coas t. More specifically this strong attraction towards the city of New York. There's this attachment I've developed with the city. This feeling where it's almost as if I've developed a crush on NY and shit, I haven't even been there. The only few things I know about the place is what my friends tell me or what the media portrays the city to be. But still even though I haven't been there, I got this mad crush on NY. This type type crush that you might've had in elementary school. You know that crush you have on someone you barely know. Someone who is completely unfamiliar territory for you. That kind of crush - the scary one. But the scary deep crush that at the same time triggered this decision in your head that although it's a scary risk to have feelings for someone you barely know, you don't give a fck. Maybe because for some damn reason you've already made it clear in your head, it's a risk worth taking? That crush just excites you, gives you butterflies and feeds you a strong presence so alive and inviting you can't ignore it?

Well that's how I feel about NY. I dream of it. I dream of big things in this big city.

After living in San Francisco for almost five years, I've realized I'm ready to try my hand at another city after I graduate. And it's not this media infused version of NY that I'm interested in. It's the challenging lifestyle I feel that intrigues me the most. While folks rather avoid those speed walking-never stopping-rude-thick skinned-opinionated-strong minded-blunt folks that live in NY that's what I want to encounter. I wanna be challenged. I wanna feel uncomfortable. I wanna be unfamiliar. I wanna get lost. I wanna be in a different atmosphere. For once I wanna be in a place that I've never been to, a place filled with strangers.

I want a change. A change of pace, a change of lifestyle, a change of faces. Even though it might only last a few days.

So... since I'm saying "peace out" to the city in a couple of weeks, I've been on a hunt for good deals for a mini vacation I wanna take on my own. Some would call this "soul searching," some would even call me naive but I still have this inkling to do it. Mainly though I think it's because for once I just wanna be out of the Bay. I wanna know how it feels to never hear the word: "hella" and know that I don't have family around to run to. I wanna try to be truly independent. So what better place to do that than in a city that I've always had a liking for but never had the guts to visit?

Well low and behold, today my friend lemme know the rates at Virgin American weren't so bad right now. And this is what I came across today...

BOOM. ROASTED.

Could this be it?! Should I book this shit? $218 round trip doesn't seem to shabby. Especially since ideally I would love to stay there for two weeks. Gahhh, it's such a leap. Such a spontaneous thing to do considering my funds... but really, when the opportunity comes we shouldn't let it pass right? (Bals, if you're reading this LET'S GET ON IT.)

Ahh, I'm dreamin' right now...

The Gift

2009-11-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

"My responsibility is to let my caged words take flight." - Mayda Del Valle

Strangers

2009-11-24T02:53:00.001-08:00

"It’s not so much that you miss past relationships, you just miss the person you thought they were."

There comes a time when a friendship between two people change. When the exciting stage is over, spontaneity is lost, and when things turn into routine. When the time spent between two people alters into a mere convenience only held up by past memories and connections leaving absent the existence of trust in one another.

It's that scary moment when the person sitting across from you isn't the same person you saw before. The individual that once challenged you, inspired you, motivated you, changed you, and brought out the best in you is now the individual who is keeping you from growing. It's that moment when you realize that the person sitting across from you isn't the person who makes you feel good anymore. It comes to a point when you realize that this friendship lost its substance.

Every moment spent with one another is only convenient. Too comfortable to the point where nothing substantial exists between you two. When conversation loses its purpose and instead replaces communication with superficial words exchanged only for the sole purpose of breaking unspoken tension. When words are forced, thoughts are constrained and trust is doubted. When hanging out is just another excuse to be around each other physically. Together you both stare at the TV, type on your laptops, and go out to coffee shops. But collectively, there's no mutual connection there anymore. It's merely two individuals interacting physically, but mentally & intellectually the two have become strangers. Just strangers using every distraction around them to avoid the obvious change in connection.

The only genuine thing holding you two together is the comfort you both have in using the friendship's history to save the friendship present. It's that mutual belief that for this moment settling for each others presence is enough.

My origin.

2009-11-16T03:13:00.001-08:00

World, continue to inspire me.

What my weekend looked like...

2009-11-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

all pics taken from my phone.... still

Wore these all weekend.

N.E.R.D. @ USF.

On my way to North Beach.

This is what my Saturday looked like... filled with detox & my favorite coffee shop. Stayed in North Beach for a few hours, wrote a few pieces and read a little from my new read: "The Gift."

Iwas sitting on the second floor of the cafe & this was the view from my window. A bus stop, tourists, & the rest of beautiful North Beach below me.

Topped off the weekend with a reunion with my beautiful ladies.

When the week started, I bought "Up" the first day it came out. Love it.

Now a cupcake to ease my homework pain.

Quote him

2009-11-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

Originally I re-blogged this quote on my Tumblr. But thought it should be re-blogged again for D-FF.

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

- Goethe

So I guess it's (almost) official?

2009-11-09T02:26:00.000-08:00

This past Saturday I picked up my cap and gown and signed up for the USF Alumni Association.

Reality never hit me so hard then that very moment. I can only imagine how it'll feel to actually wear the gown, wear the cap, and walk down that aisle with a diploma in my hand. I'm sure if I'm already as hesitant, excited, and scared right now that feeling will only escalate 10x more in December.

Times right now are feeling so surreal and so bittersweet. My mind can't fully grasp it. I almost don't even want to. I really can't believe that it's almost that time. No matter how much I try to avoid the inevitable change is coming. There's nothing else for me to do now but to keep moving, to keep moving forward and try my best to finish off strong.

To the nervous butterflies in my stomach, here I am. I'm on the road to becoming someone else... someone more than just a student. If there were a time in my life where I could apply what I've learned into something greater, it's NOW. So world, get ready for me. In 40 days... I'm gonna wake up and do ME.

Here's a peek at my desktop wallpaper right now. Just another reminder for myself.

40 days till reality hits.
40 days till I’m forced to grow up.
40 days till graduation.

Gotta stay awake. Gotta stay hungry.

Hi

2009-11-05T01:42:00.000-08:00

I miss you, you, you, and YOU.

Home - free write

2009-11-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

In class today I started writing a piece about my definition of what I believe defined what "home" means for me. Originally inspired after listening to Adele's "Hometown Glory" walking to class. Listening to her lyrics more carefully I realized her lyrics struck memory of a past conversation I had with a friend about the mindful concept of what "home" is.

In the conversation we spoke about how the notion of "home" doesn't always necessarily resemble something physical or literal like a state we've lived in, a city we grew up in, or a roof over our heads. We came to a conclusion that a "home" could be established anywhere at any time. It's our state of mind, a form of our being; essentially a period in our life where we've endured the most growth. Not necessarily the place we've found the most comfort or the most company in, but rather a place in our mind, in our being where we've taken the time to recognize ourselves, challenge our being, channel our thoughts emotionally, physically, and freely in act of embracing growth as an individual.

This concept struck a nerve considering at one point in my life I was forced to move 4-5 times within four months. From city to city, I packed up all my belongings, shared rooms, slept on couches, and tried to piece together what "home" I had for the time being. Through that period of moving houses, I never once truly considered any of the houses I lived in as my true home. Primarily because I was in constant movement, I was in constant distress. I never took the time to fully indulge myself into the different cities I lived in. I never took the time to interact with my surroundings. I didn't have time to nor did I ever allow myself to. I never grew. I just simply forced myself to be "home" physically, while my mind was still in the Bay Area.

But now it being almost my 5th year in the city, I feel like I can officially call this place my home. Just like SJ, I've gone through moments in my life here that have changed me as a person. I've allowed myself to embrace the challenges and situations I've been confronted with and appreciate what the city has continued to offer me. All the interactions I've had with people, all the mishaps I've been through, all the exploring, soul searching, (cliche deep shit) I've been through in this city has only reassured me that this place has become my home. Right now this is one of the only other cities that has allowed me to take time to find myself and grow into the being I am today without any hesitation or worry.

Point is we all have a home somewhere. It just takes some of us awhile longer to discover it and identify with it.

So I pretty much started writing about that in class today, which I now realize kind of turned into a homage to San Francisco, haha. But I have yet to finish it. Maybe tonight after this essay, I'll probably pick it back up and complete it.

Until then, I'll leaving ya'll hanging.

Distracting myself

2009-11-03T22:09:00.000-08:00

Since my camera broke last Winter, I've resulted in taking pictures with my camera phone instead. It's been alright. For now it does the job mainly because it's super convenient. I literally have a camera with me at all times. Which serves as a great way to document anytihng everything I encounter.

So far I've taken 788 pictures on my phone. Almost every other day I'll take a picture of something I see. If you ever get a hold of my phone and flip through my photos I'm sure you'll immediately get a feel of where I've been, who I've seen, and what generally amuses me.

While I would love to upgrade soon, my phone camera's cool with me.

Oh hail my Sony Ericsson.

Quality's not so bad, right? Someday I'll get a Digital SLR though. Someday.

Lazy afternoon

2009-10-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

Wtf, where did my day go?

So about 14 hours ago I experienced the most laziest day I've had for awhile. It was Thursday and I woke up at 10:30am with a mad headache that I swear came outta nowhere. An irritating beat in my head was poundin away real hard. Kinda felt like someone hit my head a few times while I was sleeping. From my forehead to my temples I felt a lightheaded/dizzy feeling that would team up with that irritating pounding feeling and keep it company for a while. Those two pieces of irritating benefactors would team up to do some fcked up dance that would drive my noggin into a clusterfck of pain. Back and forth. The pounding, the dizziness would just not stop.

Soon declaring that this was the worse morning I've had in awhile.

So what did I do to cure myself in the AM? Instead of downing Tylenol, I just decided to rest and be lazy. Grabbed my laptop and stayed in bed till the pain went away. Didn't move an inch for a long time. Head felt too heavy for me to move. So I stayed lazy. And laziness stayed with me. And it seemed my lazy disease reached the rest of my apartment as well. Roommate walks in, feeds me breakfast, then sits her ass down on the bed. Seconds later, homegirl knocks out. Just. Like. That.

This is us for a good 3 hours:

Pair that image with this song:

A lazy afternoon indeed. I didn't get any shit done at all. My checklist was still clean when I made it last night. I blame it all on the muthafuggin' headache.

So here I go, it's 1:35am and I still gotta write, write, write. And you know what? The headache never left. WHY.